Nationwide Insurance Announces Plan to Create Most Annoying Commercial of 2017 Racing Season

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against Nationwide Insurance, their name could be replaced by almost any company that advertises regularly in Nascar

Taking over a mantle long-held by Sprint, Nationwide Insurance is taking a bold step into the 2017 NASCAR season, pledging to come up with the most-annoying commercial of the year. 

"We're proud to introduce our 2017 ad campaign for NASCAR: Loud, Proud, and Louder", proclaimed Nationwide Insurance spokesman Dale Earnhardt Jr. "From Speedweeks through the Homestead, there won't be a single race that you won't see our irritating, repetitive ad at least half-a-dozen times."

NASCAR has a long history of partnering with firms able to produce adverts that become tiresome by the fifth time you see them. From Sprint's bizarre "Unlimited Family" ads to Visa's constant yelling about "THE AWESOME SOUND SYSTEM", the series has been a market leader in making their fans beg for pay-per-view coverage. 

"Our ad's got it all--a bad classic rock song playing in the background, an embarrassing cameo by Darrell Waltrip--the works.", said Earnhardt Jr. while standing next to the commercial's other star, Screamy The Screaming Eagle. "But what really takes our campaign to the next level are the little details--a character actor who you can't quite figure out where he comes from, an odd pronunciation of a certain word, even me wearing something I wouldn't be caught dead in in any other situation. 

"By the time the season is over, you'll be hating me, my sponsor, and everyone involved in this campaign more than you hated those guys in the blimp for Budweiser."

Stage Trophy Presentation More Pathetic Than You Could Ever Imagine

Atlanta Motor Speedway decided to present the winners of the first two stages with trophies, a presentation that was, somehow, even more pathetic than you could ever imagine.

“Wow, I didn’t know we’d be getting these—you really shouldn’t have”, Stage 1 winning crew chief Rodney Childers said upon being presented with the small chevron-styled award.  “Um, don’t take this the wrong way, but we’re pretty busy here, so can you just take the picture you need to take then let us do the rest?”

Childers awkwardly posed with the trophy for a few seconds before then explaining, in painfully-obvious annoyance, to driver Kevin Harvick why they hadn’t been able to discuss strategy for their upcoming pit stops due to the laughably lame “ceremony”.

“Yeah, I guess this is gonna be a thing now—we’ll have to deal with this all the time”, Childers said, his voice dripping with barely-concealed disdain.  “I can’t go into detail because we don’t have time, and besides the track’s PR guys are still hanging around me.”

Childers later gave the trophy to a low-ranking member on the team’s support staff, who put it in their hauler in a shelf usually reserved for extra spark plugs.

“We are so glad to be able to participate in a little bit of history—the first-ever stage win trophy presentation”, said a spokesman for the Atlanta Motor Speedway, unaware that he was doing something that would take away a piece of his very dignity.  “We’re all about doing things different here at Atlanta, like an Xfinity-Trucks doubleheader, and giving away trophies for what fans really care about—stage wins.”

Childers was later seen in deep conversation with a crew member shortly after winning the second stage, in theory to avoid having to cheapen himself further by accepting a second trophy.  He was heard telling the crew member that “…we already have enough doorstops already.”

Uncle Max: Atlanta Weekend Picks

For years I’ve been the only writer here at Spade Racing, but as of today, that all changes.  They say that gambling is the national pastime, and that everybody’s uncle is a Nascar fan.  Well, we’re combining the two as my Uncle Max, gambling expert extraordinaire and longtime assistant manager at big box stores region-wide, will provide insight in analysis into the world of Nascar gambling for every Cup race this year.  And now, without further adieu, UNCLE MAX!!!

Well, my first weekend of picks wasn’t so great.  So sue me—my ex-wife has!  Haha, but I kid…about suing me, please don’t do that, my ex-wife really did sue me a few years back.

Anyways, I got to watch most of the Xfinity and Cup Series races over the weekend (I work almost every Friday Night), and I gotta say, it wasn’t nearly as dull as all those hipsters online made it out to be.  Lord knows its better than the last 90 seconds of any pro-basketball game.  What I don’t get is, what’s the deal with the Waltrip Brothers?  Why are they there?  I know that Darrell—he’s the older one, right?—won a bunch of championships, but what is he, like ninety years old?  And why does everyone call Michael Waltrip “Mikey”?  I don’t get it.

To be honest, I didn’t have any money on the race—I don’t have a bookie for racing, and I don’t trust any of those “online gaming” sites.  Heck, I knew a guy who thought he’d make bank doing that “one day fantasy” thing and he wound up losing his shirt.  That’s why I only do MY gambling with those I trust—specifically, the cousin of a guy I used to work with a few years back.

Anyways, here’s my picks for the upcoming race weekend at Atlanta:

Xfinity Series Rinnai 250: Kyle Busch—my nephew Mike told me that if I pick this guy it’s good, but people will be pissed off if he wins.

Truck Series Acrive Pest Control 200: Kyle Busch—see above.

Cup Series Folds of Honor Quik Trip 500: OK, so here’s how I pick Cup races—I’ll give you a favorite (self-explanatory), a next-favorite (in case someone else in your pick ‘em pool has already picked the favorite), and a dark horse if you’re feeling adventurous.  FAVORITE—Matt Kenseth—it takes a teammate to stop a Rowdy sweep.  NEXT FAVORITE—Jimmie Johnson—the wait for eight begins a week late.  DARK HORSE—Chase Elliott—would be a great story, a great win, and would be accused of it being rigged!