BREAKING NEWS: Dale Earnhardt Jr. Leaves Race to Help Fan with Burnt Truck File Claim

Nascar fans were stunned this evening as Dale Earnhardt Jr., the sport’s most-popular driver, exited today’s race early in order to help a fan whose truck had caught fire in the parking lot file an insurance claim.

“At the office, people call me Bossman, and at the track, fans call me JOON-yah, but first and foremost I’m a driver for Nationwide Insurance”, Earnhardt Jr. told a gathering crowd of fans near where he’d parked his Sprint Cup Series car.  “And that means working for Nationwide wherever they need me.  Because ‘Nationwide is On Your Side’ is more than a marketing slogan—it’s a promise.”

Upon discovering that Earnhardt Jr. was the closest Nationwide employee to the fire, he was almost-immediately dispatched to the scene.

“Looks like some pretty serious damage here, but I don’t think its a total loss”, Earnhardt Jr. told the truck’s owner while pecking at a tablet.  “It’s a good thing you have total coverage—heck, if you were with Geico, Casey Mears probably wouldn’t even have come out here, and HE’S sixteen laps down.”

The truck’s owner was unavailable for comment but was seen making arrangements with Earnhardt Jr. via a Nationwide insurance app to get a rental car that night in order to get home.

“Alright, looks like you’re all set here”, Earnhardt Jr. told the driver after sealing the deal with a strong, firm handshake.  “Might as well go back to the race until the rental car guys get here.  Oh, I gotta get back too, need those points!”

Kentucky “News” and Notes

—If I see one more commercial with George Hamilton playing creepy Col. Sanders, I’m leaving.  Well, not really leaving, but I’ll complain a lot!

—Bubba Wallace Jr. was fined $15,000 for a tweet that compared Nascar officials to Muppets.  Jeez—first they screw up the Chicago race, now this?  Muppets and Nascar do NOT mix, folks.

—Ryan Newman says that his plans for 2017 are up in the air, which is code for “I’m trying to forge a birth certificate to say that I’m Richard Childress’s long-lost third grandson.”

—John Wes Townley is sitting out another race (this time in the Truck Series) due to a possible concussion.  It’s pretty bad when guys who do the lamest attempts at pro-wrestling moves still get hurt.

How I Imagine NBC does Sunday Night Football

I’m a football fan, but my job keeps me from staying up late on Sunday nights, so I rarely get to see NBC’s coverage

He's no Bill Weber

of Sunday Night Football.  Based on this weekend’s Nascar coverage, here’s how I’m guessing it goes.

Announcer: Giants with the ball on their own 31, first and ten, down by a touchdown in the second quarter…run up the middle, stopped cold by the Ravens’ D.  2nd and 11.  *COMMERCIAL (for erectile disfunction drug)*.  Manning over the middle…CAUGHT but brought down, just short of the first down.  *COMMERCIAL (creepy George Hamilton KFC ad)*.  Handoff stuffed at the line…this one’s gonna require a measurement, we’ll come back from commercial if we get a decision. *COMMERCIAL (for next week’s NBC Sunday Night Football game)*.  It’s fourth-down, looks like Giants are going for it here…trying to draw the defense off-sides, there’s the time-out call.  We go NFL Nonstop. *COMMERCIAL on half the screen for fast food place nowhere near you as team huddles aimlessly*.  You saw it there on NFL Nonstop—coaching staff has decided to have the PUNTER attempt the punt here…wait, we have a flag…looks like the kicking team jumped there.  *COMMERCIAL for America’s Got Talent*  Giants backed up a bit there, HERE’S THE PUNT (punt goes out of bounds fifty yards away) you saw it live.  Ravens will take the ball at their own thir—*SIGNAL GOES OUT*