Tony Stewart Extends Offer to Kurt Busch While Under Influence of Pain Medication



Shortly after the completion of the Pure Michigan 400, the Nascar world lit up with the rumor that Kurt Busch had been offered a ride at Stewart-Haas Racing.  Spade Racing has since confirmed the offer, made early Sunday evening by a dazed and disoriented Tony Stewart.
"Hey, lets start a fourth team, guys!", Stewart was quoted as saying on a post-race conference call.  "It'll be fun, guys!  We'll get Gene (Haas, team co-owner) to sponsor it himself!  C'mon, EVERYBODY needs a CNC Machine!"
Stewart's official written offer to Busch
Stewart, who broke his leg in a sprint car accident weeks ago, has been kept heavily sedated to deal with the excruciating pain of recovery.  He was said to have been taking morphine, codeine, and  bilkeene in heavy doses.
"Here's the best part--we'll get Kurt Busch to drive it!", Stewart continued on the call, with his voice randomly changing octaves and volume.  "We'll put his cars right in the shop next to Kevin (Harvick)'s, it'll be hilarious watching 'em work together!  It'll be like a SITCOM!"
Director of Competition Greg Zipadelli--who Stewart repeatedly referred to as "Zeus"--has said that he will talk to Stewart's medical team about significantly lowering his medication intake.
"Smoke isn't big on medicine, so I'm sure the doctors just pumped him full of drugs to keep him calm", Zipadelli said.  "This is worse than the time he mistakenly took too much allergy medication and ordered Ryan Newman to drive a whole race naked.  Thankfully none of those pictures got out."
In possibly-related news, disgraced former driver Jeremy Mayfield was spotted driving towards Stewart's house to "take some of those meds off his hands".