Sunday, May 6, 2012

Brad Keselowski Arrested for Stealing Win from Junior Nation

In a chaotic scene inside Talladega's Victory Lane, race winner Brad Keselowski was led away in handcuffs for grand larceny of a race win from Dale Earnhardt Jr.
"What the hell--I won that race fair and square!" an obviously bewildered Keselowski said to JNBI (Junior Nation Bureau of Investigation) Agents as they handcuffed him upon exiting his car.  "You can't do this!  Junior never wins--you don't have jurisdiction here!"  Crew Chief Paul Wolfe, meanwhile, was charged with aiding and abetting the thievery of a race win, but was allowed to walk free.
"Um, yeah, I guess we, uh, shoulda had that one", an unenthused Dale Earnhardt Jr. said after the arrest, while looking down not making eye contact.  "We, uh, we usually run real good here, but, uh, wasn't really our day.  I guess, uh, it was s'posed to be our day though."
JNBI spokesman Warren Coleman explained that, "…as the world center of Dale Jr. fans, we feel that Talladega is sacred ground.  It was obvious that Dale Jr. was pre-ordained to win here, thus allowing Mr. Hendrick to finally stop dragging around that bag of hats.  Junior Nation depends on merchandise sales to support its economy, and we're expecting our GDP to recover quite nicely."
Keselowski, obviously miffed, began kicking and flailing at JNBI agents, then was forcibly tased before being tossed in the back of a JNBI police cruiser.  Keselowski was then heard begging the agents to break his ankle for good luck.
Nascar, meanwhile, had no comment on the situation, though they were reportedly looking at disqualifying Keselowski for using his hand for aero advantage.