This is a work of parody
Recently you may have seen social media promotions for a new Nascar hotline, which allows fans to call for race weekend information, trivia, and insights. While I applaud Nascar for coming up with the hottest idea of 1992, I couldn’t help but be inspired to make an even BETTER one.
INTRODUCING THE SPADE RACING HOTLINE!!!
Just call 1-800-SPADE and get all the information you need. Here’s a sampling of what you’ll hear by calling today:
 |
| "If you are calling from a rotary phone, please give me access to your time machine" |
“Hello, and thank you for calling the Spade Racing Hotline (*sneezing, followed by hoarse coughing*) sorry, allergies. Please pay attention to the following list of options, as our menu has changed. Seriously, its brand-new, so don’t just press zero:
To find out the start time of today’s race, PRESS ONE
To find out the actual start time of today’s race, skipping the insipid Michael Waltrip grid walk, PRESS TWO
To find out what channel the race is on, PRESS THREE
If you’re disappointed the race isn’t on another channel, please re-evaluate what you care about in life—you could be gone tomorrow.
To hear the starting lineup for today’s race, PRESS FOUR
To hear my corny nicknames for drivers in today’s starting lineup, like Erik “Mr.” Jones “and me” or Todd Gilliland-of-a-thousand-dances, PRESS FIVE
For Uncle Max’s race picks, PRESS SIX
If you’d like to learn Uncle Max’s home address to see about restitution from his horrible Daytona 500 betting advice, PRESS SEVEN
For a special personalized belated Valentine’s Day message, PRESS EIGHT or hang up and call our sister hotline, 1-900-COPELOVE
For a list of local MRN or PRN radio affiliates, PRESS NINE
For a list of local MRN or PRN radio affiliates whose signals actually work ten miles beyond their antenna towers, too bad
To hear fun facts about Nascar, PRESS ZERO
To hear fun facts about Buckshot Jones, PRESS ZERO ZERO"
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
Visit the store https://www.cafepress.com/spaderacing
Buy the book 100 Stock Car Racing What Ifs Unauthorized
A MOXOC Media production