Thursday, September 17, 2015

Chicago(land) “News” and Notes—Special Chase Preview Edition

Since everybody in the media is making out their “Chase Grids”, why not me?  Oh, right, because I’m not a member of the media.  Well, here they are anyways:

(Eliminated in the Challenger Round)
16. Paul Menard—Even finding out that daddy will sponsor your car for another winless year isn’t enough to inspire this team to advance.
Cue "Jeff needs one of these to have a
good restart" jokes
15. Jeff Gordon—Jeff’s “This Tour Has No Nickname” Retirement Tour continues to disappoint—although to be fair, it’s still better than damn near anybody’s voluntary retirement tour (Darrell Waltrip, I’m looking in your direction).
14. Clint Bowyer—Clint goes out early, thus allowing him to join in commentary for a few Xfinity Series races, and see if there’s a way to avoid going to RPM next year.
13. Martin Truex Jr.—The Mayetta Missile barely misses advancing onward.  Rioting in suburban Denver ensues.

(Eliminated in the Contender Round)
12. Kyle Busch—Three weeks of “The New Kyle Busch” stories, followed by a wreck in the Contender Round setting him back in the points, followed by him losing his composure.  I’ll be on the edge of my seat to see who he blames for this one!
11. Carl Edwards—“Yeah, but I’m still proud of everything we did with this brand-new race team.  And this gives me more time to pontificate on how Leigh Diffey says things funny.  Haha—dramer!”
10. Kevin Harvick—It’s a stunner!  It’s an upset!  It’s still a better season than most defending champions have!
9. Jamie McMurray—Jamie takes Aric Almirola’s role at Talladega, with the announcers noting that he could’ve advanced with just a few more cautions and a leprechaun on his side.

(Eliminated in the Eliminator Round)
He'd still be a better Awards
Banquet host than Jay Mohr
8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.—Dale Jr. wins ‘Dega, then gets wrecked by someone at Martinsville.  Who wrecks him?  You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
7. Kurt Busch—Honestly, Kurt could DNF every single Chase race, and it’s still better than where he was in February.
6. Denny Hamlin—At least it’ll give him extra time to get that bionic knee implant.
5. Brad Keselowski—Brad barely misses advancing to the final round, leading to a cryptic, wordy interview that confuses everyone.

(Championship Round)
4. Ryan Newman—Everybody’s favorite winless wonder puts the fear of God into Nascar management again.
3. Matt Kenseth—After nine Matt Kenseth-Like races, it turns out you need to be more than consistent to win the championship.
2. Joey Logano—Not yet, Joey.

1. Your 2015 Sprint Cup Champion, Jimmie Johnson—The Six-Pack becomes Lucky Number Seven, and Dale Sr. fans everywhere announce that they’re not watching Nascar again.  Then they’ll pack the stands at Daytona in 2016.