The Hoodie Awards

Bowling trophy to be used until we pick up a sponsor

Thanks to the invention of graphical wraps for stock cars, special paint schemes aren't so special anymore.  Instead of freaking out about Burger King replacing Mom N' Pops on Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s lower quarter-panel, anybody can be a sponsor for a single race.  On the plus side, it makes it easier to promote a company.  On the negative side, it means we fans have to listen to announcers whine about how hard it is to follow the cars.

But who's the most prolific at putting different sponsors on their cars?

That's where I come in.  Using the indispensable Jayski Paint Schemes page, I went through to count the number of different sponsors on each car's hoods.  The team with the most will then become the First Annual Hoodie Award Winner.

Just a few ground rules:

--Sponsors owned by the same company (like Stanley & DeWalt, or Kingsford & Clorox) count as separate sponsors.  But if its the same company with a different product (like 3M & 3M Filtrete), that counts as the same sponsor.

--Slight variations on a primary sponsor don't count--there has to be a change to the paint scheme noticeable to someone besides a die-cast geek.

--"Sponsorship partners", where a product sold by the sponsor is put on the hood, don't count either, since the company is a partner, not a sponsor.  Sorry, Paul Menard fans.

--Team owners who put their own company on the hood also don't count--so Medallion Financial (owned by RPM honcho Andrew Murstein) and Taco Bell (franchised by Front Row owner Bob Jenkins) don't count.  A special exception was made for Hendrickcars.com, since they sponsor so many teams.  Same goes for blank hoods (aka the Michael McDowell Special).

--Modern iterations of the "Special Paint Scheme" don't count either--so movie cars, tv show cars, etc. aren't counted towards the final total, unless they are the legitimate sponsor of that race.

Listed in order from least sponsors to most

Regan Smith/Kurt Busch: 0  --Team owner Barney Visser owns sponsor Furniture Row, thus continuing the great tradition of Jasper Engines.

Brad Keselowski: 1 (Miller Lite)  --And as the Homestead post-race showed us, Brad definitely enjoys the product.

Danica Patrick: 1 (GoDaddy)  --Remember all those racy, PG-13 commercials with simulated nudity they did with Mark Martin?

Juan Pablo Montoya: 1 (Target & partners)  --Seriously, Huggies was a partner this year.

Jimmie Johnson: 1 (Lowe's/myLowes)  --Even his sponsorship packages are boring!

Martin Truex Jr.: 1 (Napa)  --No truth to the rumor that Cal Naughton Jr. will be driving this car next year.

Casey Mears: 2 (Geico, Valvoline)  --Truth is, that Geico commercial is a ruse:  VALVOLINE is what REALLY goes into Casey's "Secret" BBQ Sauce.

Clint Bowyer: 2 (5-Hour Energy, Aaron's/Alabama)  --And as the brawl at Phoenix showed, Clint and his crew definitely enjoy the sponsor's product.

Trevor Bayne: 2 (Motorcraft, Camping World/Good Sam)  --The only team running a partial schedule with a shot at contending each week (well, unless you counted Danica Patrick's team, which no one did).

Mark Vicktrip: 2 (Aaron's, Freightliner/JetEdge)  --Excludes the various companies owned by Robert Kaufmann, the brains and money of this operation (yes, believe it or not, Mikey is the TALENT of that pair).

Joe Nemechek: 2 (AMFM Energy, Genny Light)  --It costs a lot of money to run seven laps a week.  Wait, no it doesn't.

Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: 3 (Best Buy, Rancher's Reserve, EcoBoost)  --Ricky's Nationwide sponsor, "BEEF" (by way of Cargill), is about as vague as you can get...at least until we get "MEAT" as a sponsor.

Tony Stewart: 3 (Office Depot, Mobil 1, Bass Pro Shops)  --Office Depot leaves after this season, so I hope that Smoke stocked up on staples and pens.

Joey Logano: 3 (Home Depot, Dollar General, Redbeacon)  --Joey, you're not orange anymore.

AJ Allmendinger/Sam Hornish Jr.: 3 (Pennzoil/Shell, SKF, Auto Club)  --I tried to join the Auto Club, but they rejected my application.

Josh Wise: 3 (MDS, LoanMart, Rick2012)  --Nothing to see here.

Paul Menard: 3 (Menard's & various partners, Peak Antifreeze, Quaker State)  --Menardburns had a different partner on the hood in almost every race, but only Peak and Quaker State got to meet the guy who played the banjo in those Menard's commercials.

Kevin Harvick: 3 (Budweiser, Rheem, Jimmy John's)  --I've only eaten at Jimmy John's once, but I'd imagine that I'd need LOTS of Budweiser to actually enjoy the food.

Legacy Kids: 3 (Kroger, South Point, American Ethanol)  --Driven by the son of a casino owner, the son of a truck-stop magnate, and the grandson of the team-owner.  And Stephen Leicht.

Kurt Busch & The Replacements: 3 (Hendrickcars.com, Tag Heuer, Me)  --No, the smiley-face doesn't count.

Marcos Ambrose: 4 (Stanley, DeWalt, Mac Tools, Black & Decker Gyro)  --All owned by StanleyBlack&Decker, who REALLY needs to come out with a line of You Call That A Knives.

Denny Hamlin: 4 (FedEx, SportClips, March of Dimes, Autism Speaks)  --Here's hoping that Denny picks up sponsorship from a dance school.

Greg Biffle: 4 (3M, Bondo, Fastenal, Meguiar's)  --A slew of 3M products adorned the quarter panels this season, but its their Bondo division that stuck with me.

Kyle Busch: 4 (M&M's, Snickers, Doublemint, Interstate Batteries)  --Ms. Brown is NOT happy with Rowdy's performance this year.

Michael McDowell: 4 (K-LOVE, Presbyterian Healthcare, Let It Start With Me, Tracqm)  --K-LOVE, the company that sounds like a 70's soul music label.

Jamie McMurray: 5 (Bass Pro Shops, McDonald's, Belkin, LiftMaster, Banana Boat)  --Bass Pro leaves for Tony Stewart next season, so maybe they could find a sponsor that "pairs up" with McDonald's better--like Gas-X or Pepto-Bismol.

Kasey Kahne: 5 (Farmers Insurance, Hendrickcars.com, Time Warner Cable, Quaker State, Rockwell)  --Sadly, Rockwell is a power tool company, not the comeback project from the "Somebody's Watching Me" guy.

Jeff Gordon: 5 (AARP, DuPont, Pepsi Max, Farmville, TMNT)  --"TMNT" is the latest iteration of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is ironic, since it was DuPont chemical sludge that first mutated the turtles in the 80's.

Dave Blaney: 5 (Ollie's Bargain Outlet, Seal Wrap, Golden Corral,  Mohawk, Window Wax)  --Ah, Ollie's, the place that makes Wal-Mart look like Nordstorm's.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: 5 (National Guard, Mtn Dew, Amp Energy, The Dark Knight Rises, Dale Jr. Foundation)  --Look for a new sponsor to join this team next season, but don't expect to hear about it from Dale Jr.

David Reutiman et al: 6 TMOne, Accell, Tradebank, Ice Age, Carport Empire, Relyco)  --If Boardwalk Empire is on HBO, then Carport Empire should be on Cinemax.

Jeff Burton: 6 (Caterpillar, Wheaties, BB&T, Rain-X, EnerSys, Armed Forces Foundation)  --Because any time you can sponsor a guy on the back-end of his career, you take that opportunity.

Matt Kenseth: 7 (Best Buy, EcoBoost, 5/3 Bank, Zest, Fastenal, Tunnel to Towers, Valvoline)  --NESN (owned by the "Fenway" part of RoushFenway sponsored The Biff for a single race this year, bringing awareness to the terribleness of the Red Sox this season.

Ryan Newman: 7 (Army, Quicken Loans, Outback, Aspen Dental, Children's Tumor Foundation, Code 3 Associates, Workshops for Warriors)  --Next year, the Army goes AWOL.

Carl Edwards: 8 (Fastenal, Kellogg's, Cheez-It, Aflac, Geek Squad, Ecoboost, UPS, Subway)  --No, he didn't retire after last season.

David Gilliland: 9 (MHP/PowerPak, LoanMart, ModSpace, Autism Speaks, Glory Foods, The Band Perry, House Autry, Mossy Oak/Pursuit, Peanut Patch)  --Lotsa sponsors for a one-hit wonder, no?

The Frankie Stoddard All-Stars: 10 (Federated Auto Parts, Southern Pride Trucking, U.S. Chrome, North Country Ford, Hendrickcars.com, SOFA, C&J Energy, Herr's, Green Smoke, Faith & Freedom Coalition)  --Lots of sponsors for this independent team, including a personal favorite, Herr's Potato Chips (seriously, try their Firehouse BBQ Chips, they're crazy-good!).

David Ragan: 11 (MHP/PowerPak, Al's Liner, Barrett-Jackson, Peanut Patch, US Conveyor, Scorpion, 8-Hour Alert, Glory Foods, Distraction.gov, Shriners Hospitals, Where's Waldo)  --Where's Waldo?  Eating PowerPak Pudding in the Peanut Patch, apparently.

Bobby Labonte: 12 (Kingsford, Clorox, Bush's Best, Bubba Burger, Reese Towpower, Scott, Luke & Associates, Kroger, Charter, Miller/Freightliner, Pine Sol, Wounded Warrior Project)  --A strong contender all year, but fell just short, unlike their season, which fell waaaaay short.

(drum roll please...)

Aric Almirola: 15 (Smithfield, Farmland, Gwaltney, Super 8, TrimFit, Advocare, Eckrich, Air Force, Transportation Impact, JaniKing, Gravely, STP, Sail/Verifone, Charter, ALM) --And we have our winner!  And we didn't even have to include Medallion Financial to get there!  Well, if Aric or someone else from the team will get in contact with me, I'll get you your trophy.

Danica Patrick's Divorce Ruins Brant James's Thanksgiving

"Shoot, I won't be coming home.  Get it?!?"

The impending divorce of Danica Patrick from her husband, physical therapist Paul Hospenthal, may not impact your life much--besides inspiring some lewd website comments.  But for ESPN.com writer Brant James, his life--and Thanksgiving--are completely changed.

"Jeez, I was going to go visit my folks, but now I'm gonna be stuck writing articles about the breakup", a visibly-disappointed James admitted with a heavy sigh.  "The responsibility, however, falls to me, to explain to readers how Danica is moving on, and how it might affect her merchandise sales."

James, a writer for espnW (ESPN.com's women's sports-centric outlet), has averaged about 23 articles about Patrick per week.  With this late-breaking news, however, he expects at least a dozen articles before his now-cancelled flight home on Wednesday evening.

"Yep, instead of stuffing and turkey, it'll be calling Greg Zipadelli and texting with Cole Whitt", James continued, unpacking his suitcase.  "Neither holidays nor families nor mom's famous glazed yams will stand in the way of what really matters--the divorce of two people, one of which I've covered so close that she considered filing stalking charges against me.  That kidder, Danica--I just know Uncle Fred (James) would've LOVED that story!"

Although ESPN.com's traffic tends to decline on Thanksgiving Day, James has said that he needed to continue updating the situation "…for the crucial overseas markets who've followed her from IndyCar to Nascar."  James also expects to do at least two articles on the media's handling of the divorce, followed by at least three on the media's handling of the media's handling of the divorce."

"I'll have a pot of coffee on and my phone charged up", James said.  "I'll be burning the midnight oil on this story, because the only thing more important than family is the collapse of one."

Jimmie Johnson Transfers Golden Horseshoe to Brad Keselowski

Jimmie Johnson literally saw his championship hopes go up in smoke when a rear gear failure relegated him to the back of the field.  After the race, in a show of sportsmanship, Jimmie reluctantly gave the fabled "Golden Horseshoe" to the new champion, Brad Keselowski.

"AHHHH!  ARRRRGGGHHHH AHHH IT HURTS!" Johnson screamed as he slowly removed the Horseshoe from his backside.  "AHHHHHH--ahh, better!  To be honest, its nice to have that thing out of my body."

Johnson, appearing more comfortable and a few pounds lighter, was gracious in defeat.

"Brads' going to be a great champion for our sport", Johnson said while holding the foul-smelling piece of metal.  "We hoped that we'd have a shot to win this thing, but I guess it wasn't in the cards for us.  At least I'll be a lot more comfortable sitting down now."

Johnson then walked over to Keselowski's car, people ducking out of the way upon seeing the brown-coated horseshoe.  Upon reaching the 2 crew's celebration, he presented the horseshoe to a confused-looking Keselowski.

"Brad, man, this is for you", Johnson said, holding out the smelly object.  "It always hurts to lose one of these things, but I'm glad its going to you."

"Um, thanks, I guess", Keselowski said.  "Guys, can someone get this thing cleaned?  Like REALLY cleaned?  NOW?"

Homestead "News" and Notes: The Tale of the Tape

This Sunday, Nascar will crown its latest Sprint Cup Champion.  The only two drivers with a chance to win the Sprint Cup are Brad Keselowski and Jimmie Johnson.  Let's break down the match-up:

--Team Owner

Brad Keselowski: Roger "The Captain" Penske

Jimmie Johnson: Rick "The Felon" Hendrick & Jeff "Holdmeback!" Gordon

--Sponsor

Brad Keselowski: Miller Lite, aka Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice

Jimmie Johnson: Lowe's, aka WHY CAN'T I FIND THE DAMN LANTERN SECTION!?!

--Relationship with Fans

Brad Keselowski: Connects using such irritating platforms as Twitter

Jimmie Johnson: Still gets requests to get Dale Jr's autograph for them.

--Crew Chief

Brad Keselowski: Brad Keselowski

Jimmie Johnson: Chad Knaus (Gary Nelson without the charm)

--Teammate Distractions

Brad Keselowski: AJ Allmendinger tested positive before a race.

Jimmie Johnson: La Leche League protests of Kasey Kahne.

--Memorable Pre-Race Shout-Out

Brad Keselowski: "Kyle Busch is an ass!"

Jimmie Johnson: "Hope we can have a good race out there today."

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Stop Me, Drop Me

The eyes of an assassin

Shortly after intentionally wrecking Clint Bowyer, Jeff Gordon pulled his car into the garage, got out, and was jumped by Clint's crew.  Or so we thought.  Later video evidence showed Jeff being pinned against a "war wagon" by two crew members and what looked like a PR flak.  Why didn't they let Jeff go into full-on attack mode?  Well, here he is to explain his actions (or lack thereof):

You don't even know man--you don't even KNOW!  I might look scrawny and Logano-like, but I'm one HECK of a fighter.  You've heard of cage-fighters?  Well I'm not, because NO cage can hold me!  I've spent years in the offseason learning super-secret ninja skills at the DuPont Experimental Station--I know 25 ways to kill a man with a paint-brush.  When I go to the Hendrick Motorsports Gym, I'm only known as Jeff "The Gorilla" Gordon.  Guys'll be like, "Hey Jeff 'The Gorilla' Gordon, what move you workin' on today?'  And I'll be like, 'Hey man, if I told you, I'd have to kill you, bring you back from the dead, then kill you again.'  My crew knows the real me--they know that anytime there's a problem, they call up ol' Jeff, and BOOM--problem solved!  Problem is, I solve the problem TOO GOOD, and then there's just a bigger problem, it's like a problem on top of a problem, and that just makes me madder, man!

What I'm trying to say is, its a good thing my crew was there to stop me, because there's nothing scarier than a 5'3'', 130lb. guy with "AARP" on his firesuit running at you.

For the record, Jeff has been fined $100,000 and docked 25 championship points (aka "We really hope we can keep him out of the championship banquet").  On the plus side, Jeff won't have to listen to Howie Mandel make lame jokes about Tony Stewart.

Austin Dillon Parachutes into Victory Lane

A week after having his car dinged by a skydiver at Texas, Kevin Harvick recovered for a win in the crash-marred AdvoCare 500.  However, his car was not in perfect shape, as RCR Nationwide Series driver parachuted into it as it rolled into Victory Lane.

"Wait, what's this car doing here?  Oh boy, my 'mistake'!", said Dillon, making the airquotes around "mistake" that Michael Waltrip hates.  "I just wanted to come in and congratulate Pop-Pop (Richard Childress) on another great Cup win…ok, *A* great Cup win!"

"I was watching most of the race from our private jet--just like Ronald Reagan did in '84", Dillon said, while putting on his gigantic cowboy hat.  "Once I saw there was a red-flag, I got into the jumping position.  By the way, what WAS that red flag for?  Some fluid on the track or something?"

Dillon, who managed to block Kevin, DeLana & Keelan Harvick with his gigantic face, redirected the focus of the media to the Nationwide Series' championship battle.

"We're still in the hunt, only 25 behind (Ricky) Stenhouse.  I think there might be another guy, y'know, that guy who runs for the Wood Brothers, running in between us, but I'm sure he'll have a little, shall we say, 'Engine Trouble', next week, right Pop-Pop?"

Childress, owner of his grandson Austin Dillon's race-team, was congratulatory of Dillon for his aim.

"He really was right on the mark, wasn't he?"  Childress said to the assembled media, with Harvick trying to peek over his shoulder.  "I still think that they should've called the race after that wreck with the caution coming out, but hey, we don't race for wins.  We race for wins in 2014."

Phoenix "News" and Notes

--New York City and parts of New Jersey have implemented gasoline rationing in the wake of Hurricane Sandy and the recent Nor'easter.  Brad Keselowski, it might be time to share your "hyper-miling" tips.

--I knew David Reutimann was cool, but I had no idea that he was XXXtreeeeeeeme!

--Kyle Busch felt terrible about missing the Chase, but now he's feeling much better--he knows he won't have to talk to Howie Mandel.

--So if Rick Hendrick had Junior Johnson on the pit box last weekend, doesn't he need to find a guy named either Jeff Kahne or Kasey Gordon for this weekend?

--Elliott Sadler is shaping up to be this generation's Kenny Wallace: Always on TV.  Always running in lower-tier series.  Is a petulant little crybaby.

--Does anybody know what "Blickensderfer" sounds like with an Australian accent?

Junior Johnson Arrested by FBI in Victory Lane

Be sure to check out my Presidential pick in the article below this one

A wild finish to today's Sprint Cup race had a sour coda in Victory Lane, as former moonshiner Junior Johnson was arrested by the FBI for outstanding warrants.

"We'd just like to thank Mr. (Rick) Hendrick for cooperating with us" said FBI Special Agent Glen Mills.  "Mr. H had some, lets just say, reasons to cooperate with us, and we'll be sure to go easy on him the next time he doesn't want to pay people overtime."

Johnson, who appeared shocked as he was placed in handcuffs, exclaimed, "I thought we took care of this in the 50s boys!", and wondered how he could be arrested on a decades-old trafficking charge.

"C'mon, I was pardoned, I served my time on the state farm, I don't gotta go back!" Johnson pleaded.  He then quieted up when he was threatened by FBI agents with a taser.

"Its great to win, and its great to see justice served", winning driver Jimmie Johnson said upon exiting his car.  "Agent Mills warned us about this years ago, so we just had to string Junior along for about 40 months.  To see a great plan like this finally come together is really satisfying."

Hendrick later admitted that he felt bad lying to Junior Johnson that he was his "lucky charm".

"Sure, its never fun to lie, but he should've seen right through it", Hendrick said.  "I mean come on--anyone who watches my race team knows that guys named Junior don't help me win anything."

Spade Racing's Presidential Candidate Endorsement

"The President gets criticized all the time--how do YOU deal with it?"

Just two days away from the general election, everybody has been wondering who we, at Spade Racing, are officially endorsing for President of the United States of America.  Well, after careful deliberation and discussion, we are proud to announce our pick…

JOE NEMECHEK

Joe Nemechek is a man who knows what its like to be in the midst of an economic crisis.  As a small business owner, he's one of the few Nascar team owners/drivers/janitors to turn a profit consistently.  He'll end our dependence on foreign petroleum by switching to AM/FM Energy's wood pellet stoves.  And nothing says "work ethic" like working all week to run about 10 minutes against Nascar's best.

Joe Nemechek cares about our nation's elderly.  While other drivers might CLAIM to help out the oldsters (*COUGH* Jeff Gordon), Joe put Bill Elliott to work on his race team, ensuring that Awesome Bill from Dawsonville had a roof over his head, food to eat, and protection from being tickled to death.

Joe Nemechek has worked with the US Army.  He's worked with the UAW.  He's worked with Burger King for some reason.  And he knows the pain of being screwed over in a real estate deal.  If elected, Joe will put Bobby Ginn where he belongs--behind bars.

This Tuesday, Start your engines by Parking your vote for Front Row Joe.  Remember--a vote for Joe Nemechek is a vote for level-headedness.

Paid for by Nemechek for President, Martha Nemechek Treasurer.

Texas "News" and Notes

--Now that the championship seems to be down to two drivers, be prepared for ESPN to cram Jimmie Johnson and Brad Keselowski down your throats for the next three weeks.

--Earnhardt-Ganassi Racing will no longer use Earnhardt-Childress Engines, switching to Hendrick power in 2013.  For those of you keeping score at home, that means that a company won't be using its own product.  Um, yeah.

--AdvoCare has announced that they will sponsor Austin Dillon in all 35 Nationwide Series races next year, looking to build brand-awareness though a guy who wears a stupid-looking cowboy hat.

--Representatives from Trios-Rivieres, Quebec, Canada will be traveling to Texas this weekend to try and bring a Nationwide Series race to their city.  Doesn't that sound like the plot to a bad movie that plays on TV when there's a rained-out baseball game?

--Texas brands this race as the "Nitro Circus".  By that logic, shouldn't the Nationwide race be the "Thunder Circus", and the Truck race be the "Saturday Night Circus"?