"Shoot, I won't be coming home. Get it?!?"
The impending divorce of Danica Patrick from her husband, physical therapist Paul Hospenthal, may not impact your life much--besides inspiring some lewd website comments. But for ESPN.com writer Brant James, his life--and Thanksgiving--are completely changed.
"Jeez, I was going to go visit my folks, but now I'm gonna be stuck writing articles about the breakup", a visibly-disappointed James admitted with a heavy sigh. "The responsibility, however, falls to me, to explain to readers how Danica is moving on, and how it might affect her merchandise sales."
James, a writer for espnW (ESPN.com's women's sports-centric outlet), has averaged about 23 articles about Patrick per week. With this late-breaking news, however, he expects at least a dozen articles before his now-cancelled flight home on Wednesday evening.
"Yep, instead of stuffing and turkey, it'll be calling Greg Zipadelli and texting with Cole Whitt", James continued, unpacking his suitcase. "Neither holidays nor families nor mom's famous glazed yams will stand in the way of what really matters--the divorce of two people, one of which I've covered so close that she considered filing stalking charges against me. That kidder, Danica--I just know Uncle Fred (James) would've LOVED that story!"
Although ESPN.com's traffic tends to decline on Thanksgiving Day, James has said that he needed to continue updating the situation "…for the crucial overseas markets who've followed her from IndyCar to Nascar." James also expects to do at least two articles on the media's handling of the divorce, followed by at least three on the media's handling of the media's handling of the divorce."
"I'll have a pot of coffee on and my phone charged up", James said. "I'll be burning the midnight oil on this story, because the only thing more important than family is the collapse of one."