Spade Racing: September 2022

UNCLE MAX vs. REPEAT WINNERS vs. THE ROULETTE WHEEL: Talladega

(Editor’s note: Uncle Max was called in to work multiple overtime shifts this week and was unable to provide his normal witty preamble to his picks)

Saturday Early Afternoon TRUCK SERIES Talladega 250: Ben Rhodes—pushed to victory by Ty Majeski.

Saturday Late Afternoon XFINITY SERIES Sparks 300 (10 wins): Noah Gragson—pushed to victory by Sam Mayer.

Sunday CUP SERIES YellaWood 500: LAST RACE’S WINNER (1 win) picks Tyler Reddick. THE ROULETTE WHEEL picks 2nd in points Ross Chastain. FAVORITE (2 wins): Chase Briscoe—pushed to victory by Kevin Harvick. NEXT FAVORITE (2 wins): Austin Dillon—pushed to victory by Tyler Reddick. DARK HORSE (2 wins): Michael McDowell—pushed to victory by Todd Gilliland.

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Spade Racing Opens a Box of 2022 Chronicle Nascar Cards, Pack 3 of 6

Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Chronicle Nascar Cards. This set is Panini’s “upscale/exclusive” line—lets see if they live up to those expectations.

Pack 3—23XI and two of the same guy

FIRST LOOK: Boom—a big hit! Not ONLY is this a memorabilia card, and not ONLY is it autographed, but its an extra-large firesuit swatch as well! This is a pretty damn good find.

TO THE BACK: Is it just me or does Ty look like a younger version of the bad guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark here?

SAY WHAT: “Yeah, getting two of me in a set of 48 cards is pretty lame, especially in the same set.”

RATING: 10 “big one”s at Talladega out of 10

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Musically Declined: Stock Car Racing’s Entertainers of the Year, Me and the Rookie

Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States. And the two have mingled throughout the years. So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!

The Song: Me and the Rookie by Billy Arr & Elroy Kahanek

The Star: Benny Parsons

The Clip:

The Review: MORE talk-singing! And on the longest track on the album!!! Don’t get me wrong—its a little better than someone who can’t sing trying to sing, and putting it down on vinyl for all eternity. But if you can’t sing, maybe just DON’T APPEAR ON A MUSIC ALBUM.

The Verdict: Unnnnbelievable-ly bad.

Chris Buescher to Well-Wishers: Please Stop Calling me James

Chris Buescher won big at the Bristol Night Race last Saturday, earning RFK Racing’s maiden win under its current name and ownership structure. However, while Buescher has received hundreds of messages of congratulations, he had a plea to the sport this week:

Chris Buescher, photo by
Zach Catanzareti via
Wikipedia

“Please stop calling me James”, Chris Buescher said while standing outside his team’s trailer this morning. “James is my cousin, a great racer in his own right, but it seems like most people think (James) and I are the same person. So please, while I appreciate all your well-wishes, be aware that my first name is Christopher, or Chris for short.”

Chris Buescher tallied his first Cup win since a rain/fog-shortened victory at Pocono in 2016. While far from a superstar, he seems to have felt that his accomplishments would be enough so people wouldn’t confuse him with his Truck Series racing cousin.

“I mean, I don’t want to be obnoxious, but I have five national touring series wins—that should be enough so people know who the heck I am, right?” Chris Buescher said. “I mean its not like people confuse Kurt and Kyle Busch—which reminds me, its Buescher, with two e’s. Its not ‘Buscher’ or ‘Busher’”.

Chris Buescher said he will continue to show that he belongs in the Cup Series and is far from a two-race wonder—which, in theory, will allow fans to avoid confusing him with his semi-retired cousin James.

“This is just the beginning for the 17 team and RFK Racing”, Chris Buescher said. “We want to be out there competing for wins on the regular, and top-tens every weekend. And maybe THAT will remind people that I’m the Xfinity Series champion, not the Truck Series champion. And come on, folks—quit asking me where Matt Kenseth is, I honestly don’t know.”

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UNCLE MAX vs. REPEAT WINNERS vs. THE ROULETTE WHEEL: Texas

So my nephew’s prediction of ten different non-Playoff drivers in the ten Playoff races is three-for-three so far. That’s pretty amazing—both for Nascar AND for him—but I’m thinking we settle back down to normal this weekend at Texas.

After all, Texas is a 1.5 miler, a “cookie-cutter”, a Bruton-build qual oval. The top teams like HMS and JGR are built for tracks like these, and I don’t think you’ll see anyone pull off a major upset on Sunday. And even if they do, it’ll STILL be less of an upset than my knockoff NFL pool, where I was knocked-out in week two!

TRUCK SERIES off

Saturday Afternoon XFINITY SERIES Andy’s Frozen Custard 300 (9 wins): Noah Gragson—sticking with Gragson in my quest for double-digit wins.

Sunday CUP SERIES AutoTrader 500: LAST RACE’S WINNER (1 win) picks Chris Buescher. THE ROULETTE WHEEL picks 22nd in points Justin Haley. FAVORITE (2 wins): Ross Chastain—melon man with a clutch win. NEXT FAVORITE (2 wins): Kyle Larson—further proof of Chevy’s dominance this year on 1.5 milers. DARK HORSE (2 wins): Austin Dillon—a week too late, but hey—its a nice consolation prize.

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Spade Racing Opens a Box of 2022 Chronicle Nascar Cards, Pack 2 of 6

Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Chronicle Nascar Cards. This set is Panini’s “upscale/exclusive” line—lets see if they live up to those expectations.

Pack 2—Tyler two-times and Brittney gets rhymes

FIRST LOOK: And we have our first memorabilia card! Number 4 of 25 of this particular firesuit piece. Normally I prefer to get one with different pieces of material/lettering on it, but hey—this will still be accurate when Tyler leaves for 23XI.

TO THE BACK: There’s many-a Zamora card, so these captions are getting quite hard. I’ll try to be quick, with this limerick—you can see why I’m never a bard.

SAY WHAT: Huh, why did they go for v a p o r w a v e a e s t h e t i c?

RATING: 8 giant Texas scoreboards out of 10

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SPAD3 RACING CREW CHIEF DECLINES JOB OFFER

Despite baseless rumors of rancor within the Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing team, crew chief Mike Henshaw confirmed today that he declined an offer from a rival team.

“I have decided to stay. There are no issues here”, a tired-looking Henshaw said while holding up today’s newspaper. “They are treating me very well. I have no reason to leave.”

Crew Chief Mike Henshaw

Last week rumors spread that Henshaw was considering taking a competition director role with another team. However, it seems that those were just that—rumors.

“Our crew chief Mike Henshaw is an integral part of our plans here at SPAD3 Racing”, said team principal Kent Simms, “and we aim to keep him here until those goals are achieved. Whatever it takes to keep him happy—whether that’s reassigning crew members, a reallocation of resources, or reminding him that his house is in a very, shall we say, ‘rough’ neighborhood.”

Henshaw was later seen staring off into the distance in the SPAD3 Racing team shop break room, seemingly trying to decipher a mystery. This could be him figuring out how to escape a figurative prison, but is likely more-closely related to planning out next week’s race set-up.

“We’re getting closer every day to having a real breakthrough here”, said shape foreman Rodney Tillman. “I don’t see why anyone would want to leave, even if they could.”

And YOU won’t want to leave SPAD3.com

Kyle Busch: Choice of “Look Away” by Chicago for Intro Music a Coincidence

Bristol Motor Speedway is one of the few tracks that allows drivers to choose “Intro Music” to be played during driver introductions. And while most drivers pick something from the hard rock or country genres, the choice of song by Kyle Busch has raised more than a few eyebrows.

Who knew that a churlish
personality would drive away
so many sponsors? (image
courtesy TaurusEmerald
via Wikipedia)

“What can I say—I love power ballads written by Diane Warren”, Kyle Busch said, explaining his choice of “Look Away” by Chicago for his intro music. “I’m lucky in that I married the love of my life, but we’ve all dealt with heartbreak in one way or another, be it losing a group of friends due to something out of our control, or the ending of a fifteen year professional relationship.”

The song, which reached #1 in 1988 for the long-running pop/rock group, is about a man who publicly is happy for his ex moving on with a new boyfriend, but privately deals with feelings of rejection and regret.

“We all deal with regret, don’t we?”, Busch said. “I regret all sorts of things, from bad race setups to agreeing to mentor a little snot-nosed kid who will likely take over my ride at a team I spent over a dozen years building. But the important thing is to learn how to move on, even if you know deep down that things will never be as good as they once were.”

Busch, who is considered a favorite at The World’s Fastest Half-Mile, seemed to think the odd choice of intro music could work towards his advantage.

“Everyone else has some bland party-rock or bro-country song, but I wanted to be different”, Busch explained. “The passionate vocals of Bill Champlin will help to soothe my psyche as I walk onto the stage, helping me to remember that, but for a few more fleeting weeks, I will be a part of a professional family that I helped build. And what better mindset to have before a race than wistful melancholy?”

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UNCLE MAX vs. REPEAT WINNERS vs. THE ROULETTE WHEEL: Bristol

At what point will I finally win the Truck Series!?! I’m dominating in the Xfinity Series, I’ve got a few wins in Cup, but nothing, zero, zip in Trucks. Come on Zane—get me a W!

Meanwhile I hope that everyone had a good fantasy football draft (or two) and is off to a good start in their respective leagues. Thankfully I had last Sunday off and got to catch all the action from the comfort of my recliner. Football’s back, baby!

Thursday Night TRUCK SERIES UNOH 200: Zane Smith—PLEASE ZANE PLEASE!

Friday Night XFINITY SERIES Food City 300 (8 wins): Noah Gragson—staying on the Grag Train for yet another week.

Saturday Night CUP SERIES Bass Pro Shops Night Race: LAST RACE’S WINNER (1 win) picks Bubba Wallace. THE ROULETTE WHEEL got 00, so picks 2nd in points William Byron. FAVORITE (2 wins): Kyle Busch—winning his way in…and out. NEXT FAVORITE (2 wins): Chase Elliott—getting back on track…on track. DARK HORSE (2 wins): Ricky Stenhouse Jr.—another non-Playoff winner?

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Spade Racing Opens a Box of 2022 Chronicle Nascar Cards, Pack 1 of 6

Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Chronicle Nascar Cards. This set is Panini’s “upscale/exclusive” line—lets see if they live up to those expectations.

Pack 1—Getting sick, a card that’s thicc, and a see-thru pic

FIRST LOOK: So the first pack I open has two cards of young journeyman (journeyboy?) Ryan Ellis. On the plus side they ARE completely different, and this one is limited-edition. Unfortunately Ryan’s sponsor here is Four Loko, a type of alcohol even *I’M* afraid to try.

TO THE BACK: So as you can see here, this set uses the thicker stock typically ONLY used for memorabilia cards for, well, regular run-of-the-mill cards. The only connection I can gather is that if you eat too much McDonalds, you’ll get thicc.

SAY WHAT: “See through to the back with this odd clear card! Huh, that’s kinda high pile carpeting—what is this, 1974?”

RATING: 3 Bristol Intro Songs out of 10

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Musically Declined: Stock Car Racing’s Entertainers of the Year, Trying to Win it All

The Song: Trying to Win it All by Kelly Delaney & David Gillon

The Star: Ricky Rudd

The Clip:

The Review: Apparently nobody told The Rooster that he needs to actually, y’know, SING on this album. He’s not even sing-talking here—he’s talking like a guy trying to rap in vain. And he’s not even matching the music time-cues!

The Verdict: As bad as sitting in a roasting car in Martinsville for 500 laps.

3 in Their Third: A Monthly Spade Racing Series—September Report

Two years ago there were six rookie drivers. Last year four of them returned for their sophomore seasons. This year the three best are back once again for their third seasons in Cup—and just like over the past two years, we’ll be ranking them here at Spade Racing.

Just like in years past we’ll be utilizing the PRETTY grade—Performance Relative to Equating Team’s Typical Year—as a way to properly rank someone from a top-flight team like Joe Gibbs Racing against someone from a top-flight slumping team like Stewart-Haas Racing against someone from a mid-level operation like RCR.

Here’s where our three guys stack up heading into Kansas:

1.) Tyler Reddick (Richard Childress Racing). 2022 Best Race Finish: 1st (Road America & Indy). PRETTY Grade: A. Tyler has REALLY shown his promise this year, and even an impending departure to 23XI Racing won’t dampen his spirit. However we will ALL be disappointed if/when Ty Dillon gets his ride.

2.) Christopher Bell (Joe Gibbs Racing). 2022 Best Race Finish: 1st (New Hampshire). PRETTY Grade: A-. So Christopher Bell is in a unique spot. He’s proven he can win, and seems to have pretty steady sponsorship/factory support. But this would be the time for him to show he can contend for championships and make “the leap”. If not, then wow, isn’t it amazing how HE was chosen to expand 23XI to a three-car team to make room for Ty Gibbs!?!

3.) Cole Custer (Stewart-Haas Racing). 2022 Best Race Finish: 9th (Atlanta & Indy). PRETTY Grade: D. Cole’s shown incremental improvement with three straight finishes between 11th and 16th. But that’s a little like being an able-bodied 20-something finally moving up to 20-pound barbells.

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UNCLE MAX vs. REPEAT WINNERS vs. THE ROULETTE WHEEL: Kansas SPECIAL NFL PREVIEW EDITION

Here’s The Official Uncle Max 2022 NFL Preview (and picks):

(*—best record in the conference, thus earning a first round playoff bye)

AFC

Division Champs: Bills (East), Ravens (North), Jaguars (South), Chiefs* (West)

Wild Card Teams: Bengals, Chargers, Titans

Surprisingly Good Team: Jaguars

Surprisingly Just OK Team: Bengals

Surprising Playoff Loss Team: Chiefs

Surprisingly Bad Team: Patriots

“I knew they’d be bad, but not THIS bad” Team: Dolphins

Championship Game: Ravens 31-Bills 24

NFC

Division Champs: Eagles (East), Packers (North), Bucs (South), Rams* (West)

Wild Card Teams: 49ers, Cowboys, Vikings

Surprisingly Good Team: Eagles

Surprisingly Just OK Team: Cowboys

Surprising Playoff Loss Team: Packers

Surprisingly Bad Team: Cardinals

“I knew they’d be bad, but not THIS bad” Team: Bears

Championship Game: Bucs 38-Rams 27

SUPER BOWL LVII: Ravens 41-Bucs 40

Three Unsurprising Things to Happen:

1.) The Cowboys get an inordinate amount of attention for a 10-7 team.

2.) The Bears and Panthers wind up in a “race to the bottom” for the #1 pick.

3.) Tom Brady will retire a week after the Super Bowl, then drop hints that he’s returning, but ultimately stay retired.

Three Somewhat Surprising Things to Happen:

1.) The year will be dominated by Aaron Rodgers drama, leading to a Favre-level “will he or won’t he return?” offseason storyline.

2.) Both New York teams will mildly surprise with unsuccessful long shot playoff bids.

3.) Lamar Jackson will make “the leap” from really really good QB to great QB.

Three Very Surprising Things to Happen:

1.) Dan Snyder will finally be removed from power, essentially forcing him to sell the Commanders.

2.) Bill Belichick will quietly announce his retirement the week prior to the Super Bowl.

3.) The Cardinals will clean house, replacing virtually everyone besides the owner and quarterback.

Friday Night TRUCK SERIES Kansas Lottery 200: Zane Smith—maybe I need a lottery to finally win the Truck Series this year.

Saturday Afternoon XFINITY SERIES Kansas Lottery 300 (7 wins): Noah Gragson—staying on the Grag Train.

Sunday CUP SERIES Hollywood Casino 400: LAST RACE’S WINNER (1 win) picks Erik Jones. THE ROULETTE WHEEL picks 15h in points Chase Briscoe. FAVORITE (2 wins): Denny Hamlin—sticking with Denny here. NEXT FAVORITE (2 wins): Joey Logano—getting hot the right time. DARK HORSE (2 wins): Aric Almirola—getting hot at the wrong time.

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PREVIEW Spade Racing Diverts to Open a Box of 2022 Chronicle Nascar Cards

I’ve spent the past few months going through Panini’s 2022 Donruss line of Nascar cards, but they’ll be going on hiatus for then following six weeks. That’s because a few weeks ago Panini came out with its premium line of cards—its Chronicle set. A hobby box of these cards retails for about the same as a hobby box of Donruss or Panini-brand, but only includes 48 cards. As a result the amount of inserts, both autographed, memorabilia, and both, are of a much-higher ratio. So join me for the following month-and-a-half as we look through this premium line of cards! And don’t worry—the Donruss cards will return after these six packs are done!

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SPAD3 RACING DRIVER CAUGHT DRINKING

A controversy (and near disaster) erupted in the Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing pits as its driver was caught drinking on the job.

The offending beverage

“NO! NO! NO!”, team mechanic Willie Sparks shouted, knocking the bottle of soda out of MOXOC’s cybernetic hand. “You’re a robot! You cannot drink any liquids—they gum up your systems—we’ve been over this!”

“I should’ve known this would happen sooner or later”, said team owner Dave Graham, visiting the team after a lengthy trip to a disputed territory. “We put in an artificial intelligence program to let MOXOC learn a bit of what other drivers do—so he could be more natural in his interactions. But I guess when you see drivers take swigs out of soda bottles after every race, you think that its a required part of the job.”

Graham said that some emergency repairs would be required to get MOXOC ready for the next race.

“It’ll be cutting it close, but I think we can get our driver ready in time”, Graham said. “We have some experts flying in from the former Soviet Union who are great at getting circuit boards working again. And if that doesn’t work, I guess we could just try putting him in rice for a day.”

If MOXOC is unable to be fixed, it is unknown what the team’s plans would be, although car chief Phil Brown was heard to be saying that “…the car can drive itself—literally.”

Check out SPAD3.com today!

Spade Racing’s 2022 Playoff Preview: Ten Playoff Races, Ten Non-Playoff Driver Winners

How can we go ten races without a single one of the sixteen Playoff drivers winning a race? Here’s how:

ROUND OF 16:

Southern 500—Alex Bowman dominates the race, only for a late pit road penalty to doom his chances (as well as Denny Hamlin’s, but that’s to be expected at this point). Martin Truex Jr. winds up a week late but a dollar long, forcing him to quickly figure out how to claim Darlington as a “home track”.

Hollywood Casino 400—After qualifying is rained out the Playoff drivers start up front. Kyle Larson, Chase Elliott, and Ryan Blaney trade the lead until an ill-timed caution turns this into a fuel mileage race. Kevin Harvick appears to have the win in-hand until his engine sputters coming out of turn 2, handing the win to Fuel Mileage King Brad Keselowski.

Bass Pro Shops Night Race—Kyle Busch and Austin Dillon both need wins to advance, but Dillon fades away after the last round of pit stops. Rowdy appears ready to “win his way in”, only to be nudged out of the way by Ricky Stenhouse Jr., who stuns the crowd by not taking HIMSELF out on his way to his first non-superspeedway win.

ELIMINATED: Austin Dillon, Chase Briscoe, Austin Cindric, Kyle Busch

ROUND OF 12:

EchoPark 500—Rain pushes the race to Monday, whereupon pole-sitter Chase Elliott takes the green flag under overcast skies. Shortly before the race becomes official a pop-up shower wets the track, sending most of the contenders into the wall (…again). Harrison Burton manages to nurse his car to the lead, then is declared the winner in the media center.

YellaWood 500—Its a typical Talladega race, with the lead switching hands numerous times and cars going backwards and forwards. In the end Bubba Wallace gets a photo finish over Kevin Harvick, pushed by a returning Kurt Busch (who has experience in such matters). Fans claim that Nascar somehow rigged the finish, the cameras, and the upcoming midterm elections to Bubba’s benefit.

ROVAL 400—Chase Elliott knocks teammate Kyle Larson out of the lead coming to a green-white-checker, only to be stunned when told that he is being black-flagged for “rough driving”, with officials citing the Rudd/HMS precedent of 1991. The win is therefore awarded to the second-place finisher of AJ Allmendinger.

ELIMINATED: Daniel Suarez, Christopher Bell, Tyler Reddick, Denny Hamlin

ROUND OF 8:

South Point 400—After a pre-race filled with gambling analogies its a two-tire gamble that pays off for Aric Almirola, allowing him to inherit the lead a few laps from the finish and hold off a hard-charging William Byron. Double-A is irritated to learn that all his winnings will be paid out as poker chips.

Dixie Vodka 400—Homestead-Miami, the former site of the season finale, sees the seasons of a number of Playoff hopefuls nearly end, with DNFs for Ryan Blaney (crash), Alex Bowman (engine) and Ross Chastain (melon spillage). After a brief rain delay the race resumes with a thrilling battle to the finish lost by Joey Logano, but won by Cole Custer in a stunner.

Xfinity 500—With Chase Elliott and Kyle Larson essentially locked-in, a drama-filled race sees the remaining Playoff hopefuls desperately trying to win their way into the Championship Round. Ross Chastain punts Kevin Harvick into the wall, collecting himself and William Byron in the process. All three brawl in the pits post-race, with the NBC crew seemingly ignoring the upset win by Erik Jones and the Petty GMS crew.

ELIMINATED: Kevin Harvick, Ross Chastain, William Byron, Ryan Blaney

CHAMPIONSHIP RACE

Season Finale 500—All four championship contenders have surprisingly dull races—Kyle Larson battles an ill-handling car and is never a factor, while Alex Bowman loses a wheel on pit road, trapping him two laps down. The championship comes down to a third-place finish by Chase Elliott, clinching the season title over Joey Logano, who wrecks himself from fourth on the final lap. Elliott does a double-burnout post-race with race winner Kurt Busch, who immediately announces his retirement from full-time racing. Fans everywhere are sad upon realizing that Kurt will NOT be replacing Clint Bowyer on commentary.

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