Spade Racing: 2016

Spade Racing’s 2016 Silent But Deadly Game Tournament QUARTERFINALS

For years Nascar fans have been saying that the “Chase for the Cup” is not a valid way to determine the best driver in Nascar’s top series. How, then, can we find out who truly is “the best of the best” in stock car racing?

That’s where Spade Racing comes in.

Taking inspiration from the WWF/E’s 1998 Survivor Series “Deadly Game” tournament to crown a new champion, we at Spade Racing have assembled the 15 greatest drivers in Nascar (…and Chris Buescher) in a secret underground fighting tournament to determine who really IS the best.

And now, here it is, the Spade Racing Silent But Deadly Game Tournament!

QUARTERFINALS

1. Martin Truex. Jr. vs. 8. Kurt Busch

RECAP: After a first round almost-devoid of upsets, things got started off in the quarterfinals with a bang as Kurt Busch got the early jump on Martin Truex Jr., with Truex kicking out of a pin merely thirty seconds in the match in the nick of time. A stunned Truex attempted to mount a comeback, but the plucky Busch showed his mettle, fighting back to land a Monster Mash, the pin, and the shocking victory, leaving the crowd in stunned silence. An overjoyed Busch quickly ran back to the locker room, while a dejected Truex was left flabbergasted in the ring. Truex then grabbed a microphone, blaming the loss on bad luck, Andrew Luck, Lucky Strikes, Lucky Charms, and Pot Luck Dinners. WINNER: Busch, 2:59, PIN.

4. Matt Kenseth vs. 5. Joey Logano

RECAP: Another old rivalry flared-up in the tournament, with arch-rivals Kenseth and Logano going at it toe-for-toe, eye-to-eye, excuse-for-excuse. A back-and-forth battle had the crowd squarely on “Robot” Kenseth’s side, as “Go Low” Logano used a number of low blows and eye-gouges to regain his advantage. Eventually Logano attempted to set up for his Pennzoil Plunge finishing move, only to be countered by Kenseth with a Dollarcanrana. At this point, Logano slipped an “illegal object” into an exhausted Kenseth’s hand, which was quickly spotted by the referee, who declared a disqualification in Logano’s favor, giving him the win. An enraged Kenseth, suddenly eliminated from the tournament, began attacking the prone Logano with the object, later revealed to be a DeLana Harvick action figure. WINNER: Logano, 10:15, DQ.

6. Jimmie Johnson vs. 3. Kyle Busch

RECAP: At first, it appeared that Busch would win the match by countout, with Johnson nowhere to be seen after his savage beating in the opening round. However, Johnson soon ran to the ring with a renewed sense of purpose, the trademark smile gone from his face as he savagely destroyed Busch with punch after punch. Surprisingly Johnson didn’t respond to Busch’s valet’s pleas for mercy, but perhaps more surprisingly, the crowd appeared to cheer FOR Johnson, despite his lack of mercy or sportsmanship. Johnson eventually stopped the mauling by angrily pinning the nearly-passed-out Busch, angrily yelling “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?” to the cheering crowd. WINNER: Johnson, 7:57, PIN.

10. Carl Edwards vs. 2. Kevin Harvick

RECAP: Harvick went into this match as, arguably, the biggest favorite going forward. But despite not being given much of a chance at competing, Edwards came on strong, applying a series of holds and maneuvers that appeared to wear down the confident Harvick. However, it appeared that Harvick would not be denied, putting Edwards into a “Busch Clash” hold. Then, seemingly on the verge of tapping out, Edwards reached mightily for the ropes, scoring a break and stunning Harvick. Edwards then mounted a slow-building comeback, wearing Harvick down until finally being able to make the Arris Flip for the pin and the win. WINNER: Edwards, 10:59, PIN.

Spade Racing’s 2016 Silent But Deadly Game Tournament OPENING ROUND PART 2

That’s where Spade Racing comes in.

And now, here it is, the Spade Racing Silent But Deadly Game Tournament!

6. Chase Elliott vs. 11. Jimmie Johnson

RECAP: It was a case of old vs. new, rookie vs. veteran, inexplicably loved vs. inexplicably hated as “Ace” Chase Elliott took on Jimmie “Nice Guy” Johnson. Elliott used his mastery of the crowd perfectly, taking the match to the barricades and smashing Johnson’s head against them to the delight of the assembled fans. Johnson, smiling the whole time, was heard telling each fan “thank you! thank you!” despite being spat upon. Eventually Elliott took things a bit too fan when he took Johnson over to a group of “fans” made up of former members of their stable, The Hendrick Honchos. Johnson was beaten and battered by the likes of Casey Mears, Joe Nemechek, and even Ken Schrader, being pelted with Excedrin tablets from the crowd, until the referee finally decided enough was enough, ending the match in Johnson’s favor with a disqualification to the crowd’s disdain. WINNER: Jimmie Johnson, 9:20 DQ.

3. Kyle Busch vs. 14. Kyle Larson

RECAP: The Battle of the Kyles went about as planned, with “Rowdy” Busch dominating the younger “Elk Grove Ninja” in a match that was really over before it began. Using both his patented “Interstate Battery Battering Bashes” and his manager’s feminine wiles, Busch scored a dominating victory in quick fashion with a decisive pin. Busch then used his mic time to complain about how next year he won’t be able to compete in lower-level matches organized by NXT (Nascar Xfinity Tournament). WINNER: Kyle Busch, 3:18 PIN.

7. Brad Keselowski vs. 10. Carl Edwards

RECAP: They say old rivalries die hard, and so does the animosity between these two stars in The Battle of the Racing Surfaces. “Concrete” Carl had the early advantage, only for “Koncrete” Keselowski to reverse the match with the application of his patented “Black and Blue Deuce” hold. Edwards reached the ropes for a break, but when the two warriors ran into each other for a lock-up, their teeth clashed against each other, knocking them each out. Slow to get to their feet, Keselowski appeared to have the advantage, setting up for his fishing “Miller Time” DDT, only for Edwards to shock his opponent and the crowd with his signature Arris Flip, leading to the pin shortly before time expired. WINNER: Carl Edwards, 14:49 PIN.

2. Kevin Harvick vs. 15. Jamie McMurray

RECAP: “The Man of a Thousand Nicknames” appeared to be in trouble at first, starting slowly against the lowly-regarded Jamie “Happy to Be Here” McMurray. After appearing to knock Harvick out, McMurray grabbed a microphone and revealed his dastardly plan, claiming to have replaced Harvick’s normal pre-fight meal of Jimmy John’s subs with McDonalds. However, Harvick then rose to his feet, winked at the crowd, then delivered his devastating finishing maneuver, The Bakersfield Bash. Afterwards, seemingly to prolong the pain, Harvick locked McMurray into his “stretch” hold, The Busch Clash, which McMurray quickly tapped out of. WINNER: Harvick, 5:41, SUB.

Spade Racing’s 2016 Silent But Deadly Game Tournament OPENING ROUND PART 1

That’s where Spade Racing comes in.

And now, here it is, the Spade Racing Silent But Deadly Game Tournament!

OPENING ROUND:

1. Martin Truex Jr. vs. 16. Chris Buescher

RECAP: Well, this was really the biggest mismatch on the card, for sure. Truex came into this match with a head of steam, all the inspiration in the world, and strong backing as part of The Camry Alliance. Buescher, well, he just kind of came in here, after winning a battle royale for the final slot the night before when he hid the corner while the rest of the competitors punched each other out. Truex made quick work of the rookie with a flurry of expert punches and holds, finally getting Buescher to tap out to his signature hold, “The Furniture Row No-Go”. WINNER: Martin Truex Jr., 3:04 SUB.

8. Kurt Busch vs. 9. Denny Hamlin

RECAP: Arguably the most-hotly-contested match in the opening round saw the controversial former champion Kurt “The Former Outlaw” Busch take on “Dangerous” Denny Hamlin, arguably the best competitor here to never capture championship gold. The match was a classic see-saw battle, with Busch using his veteran savvy to batter Hamlin’s weakened injured body parts (which is to say, all of them). Hamlin was able to mount a comeback with some classic chain moves, however, eventually maneuvering into the position of power, wearing Busch down Kurt constantly scanned the crowd for possible snipers. After applying his finisher, the FedEx Flyer, however, Busch was able to kick out at two and stage a comeback of his own, eventually landing his OWN finisher, The Monster Mash, and picking up the 1-2-3. The crowd showed their appreciation for the hard-fought battle, chanting “This-Is-Awe-some”, then informing Bill Elliott that it wasn’t always about him. WINNER: Kurt Busch, 14:01 PIN.

4. Matt Kenseth vs. 13. Tony Stewart

RECAP: A pair of wily veterans took each other on in arguably the highest-stakes match of the night, in which mutually agreed upon stipulations saw Tony “Smoke” Stewart put his career on the line in exchange for Matt “Robot” Kenseth agreeing to kiss Joey Logano’s feet if he lost cleanly. While both competitors came out like a house of fire, Stewart’s badly-injured back and lack of conditioning began to show, allowing Kenseth to take control of the match within a matter of minutes. Eventually Stewart attempted his finishing move, The (im)Mobil 1, far too early, allowing Kenseth to reverse it for a small package and the victory. Stewart then left the arena to a standing ovation from the crowd, pausing only to flip off the assembled media. WINNER: Matt Kenseth, 6:59 PIN.

5. Joey Logano vs. 12. Austin Dillon

RECAP: Joey “GoGo” Logano is no more, having officially completed his “Heel Turn” in the months leading up to the tournament, now going by the name Joey” GoLow” Logano. Austin Dillon was next in line for The Connecticut Motor Oil-Blood’s dastardly ways, as the third-generation star was battered and bruised early and often. Dillon was barely able to get in a bit of offense, but Logano still used the ropes as leverage to score the pin after his finishing move, The Pennzoil Plunge. Dillon was helped from the ring by his family members before Logano was able to use a bottle of spray paint to “…fix that spot on his hair”. WINNER: Joey Logano, 7:23 PIN.

Spade Racing’s 2016 Silent But Deadly Game Tournament

Click to enlarge/enrage

That’s where Spade Racing comes in.

And now, here it is, the Spade Racing Silent But Deadly Game Tournament!

Spade Racing EXCLUSIVE--New Series Logo Finalists Revealed!!!

Spade Racing: The Offseason

Well, another year of racing is in the books (or, it would be if people still used physical Nascar Media Guides), which means that the offseason is finally upon us. You remember the offseason—it’s when people stop complaining about how long the season is and start complaining about how short it is. But even with no more racing to comment on, there will STILL be content o’plenty here at Spade Racing! That’s right—check back for my weekly offseason updates on the super-secret fighting tournament held to crown a REAL champion! There’s going to be lots of behind-the-scenes work on some awesome stuff you’ll see once the 2017 Cup season ramps up. And just as sure as the awards banquet will suck, you can bet that any late-breaking news will be covered here as well.

Thanks for another great year of racing—now stick around for more!!!

The First-Ever Spade Racing Work of (Pop) Art is Now Available!

CLICK HERE

No, there's no "stamp" on the actual prints for sale

For the first time EVER you can buy a piece of official Spade Racing merchandise—and it’s not just merchandise, it’s pop art! That’s right, thanks to the good folks at Zazzle you can buy my art print, Stock Car Racing Cup Series Champions, in a number of sizes and mediums right now. Updated through our most-recent champion, it features every “Cup” series champion’s paint scheme from 1949 through today rendered in “8-bit” style. It makes a great decoration for your home or office AND makes a great gift for a fellow Nascar fan. Order today and help the site!!!

Brian Scott’s Retirement Ceremony Even Sadder Than You’d Expect

Luminaries from the world of Nascar and motorsports at large flocked to Homestead-Miami Speedway on Sunday to witness the end of a magnificent career—that of three-time Cup Series champion Tony Stewart. However, another ceremony was held for fellow retiring driver Brian Scott, one that was even sadder than you could ever imagine.

“I’d like to thank everyone for coming out tonight”, Scott said to the assembled conference room made up almost-entirely of empty chairs. “It’s been a great run here in Nascar, and I’m glad to be leaving on my own terms. Who’d have though that a scion of one of the most-powerful families in the western-US would ever get to live out his dreams?”

Scott’s prepared statement included numerous pauses, most-likely for when the assembled media would stand and applaud his words. However, Scott instead stood in front of the “Getting Away Scott-Free” banner for upwards of seven seconds, waiting for standing ovations that never came, from a crowd that never arrived.

“Working my way up with some of the biggest teams in Nascar, guys like Gibbs, RCR, it wasn’t always easy”, Scott opined about the rides he acquired with family sponsorship and, eventually, lost due to lack of performance. “But I knew that if I hung in there, people would notice. And that’s what tonight is all about.

“OK, lets open it up for questions”, Scott said in a slightly-different voice, apparently trying to mimic a public relations rep of his that never arrived. Scott then surveyed the sparse crowd looking for someone, anyone, to acknowledge his concluded racing career.

“Uh, yeah, so what do you think about Smoke retiring?”, said a local beat writer who, earlier, had complained about being asked to leave Tony Stewart’s retirement party due to order of the fire marshall.

“Oh, he was great, there’s no doubt, but I’m not here to talk about him, I’m here to talk about my future plans with my family business, opportunities in the marketing world, and poss…”, Scott then trailed off as the writer left the room.

Scott was later seen walking with his family to his hotel room, carrying a large box full of commemorative diecast cars.

"Jackpot"

Carl Edwards Still Walking

After his championship hopes were ruined in a vicious wreck with 10 laps to go, driver Carl Edwards declined the usual ambulance ride to the infield care center, choosing to walk there himself. After touching base with the 22 team and crew and visiting the care center and being released, Edwards continued walking with no stop in sight.

“I just decided it would be better to walk”, Edwards said in full stride. “That wreck was hard, but that’s no excuse to avoid getting in a good bit of exercise.”

Edwards had made his way outside the track by the time the race had gone back to caution after a red flag stoppage. Nascar officials attempted to keep up with Edwards, but gave up upon realizing that he had no plans of stopping.

“I think I’m just going to keep walking for awhile”, Edwards told a reporter who had managed to keep up with him as he exited the track premises. “I might just keep walking until the offseason is over. Its not like I have a motorhome to go back to anyways.”

Eyewitnesses confirmed that Edwards was walking due-north, possibly in the direction of Daytona Beach.

Homestead Cup Series Bingo: Super Championship Weekend Spectacular Part 3

“News” and Notes takes a hiatus during the Chase—instead, here’s a fun game you can play at home while watching the race on tv. In honor of Douglas Ladd’s great idea, here’s Spade Racing’s BINGO!

Homestead Xfinity Series BINGO--Super Championship Weekend Spectacular Part 2

Homestead Truck Series BINGO--Super Championship Weekend Spectacular Part 1

Phoenix Chaser Recap: Who’s In, Who’s Out

A nailbiter of a race at Phoenix International Raceway has been completed—now, here’s Spade Racing’s exclusive interviews with the Chase drivers who are IN for Homestead, and OUT for the season.

IN:

48-Jimmie Johnson: “Well, we got some pretty bad damage there in a wreck, but hey—what else can you expect when you’re racing around Austin Dillon and Greg Biffle. We’ll go on to Homestead next weekend prepared for battle. No, we’re not talking about the race itself as a ‘battle’, that would be silly—we’re all going to be carrying weapons to protect ourselves post-race if we tie Dale Sr. and The King’s seven championships.”

19-Carl Edwards: “Thankfully it was an uneventful race today, because I didn’t run it. That’s right, I was pretty tired after that team hike a few days back so I decided to sneak Drew Herring into the 19 car with a Carl Edwards mask on. It was a great chance to catch up on some email, check out that nice tapas place across the street, and heck, I was still able to get back by the checkers.”

22-Joey Logano: “WOOOOO! We did it! This is for more than just me, this is for everybody who ever drove the yellow-and-red 22 car—Ward Burton, Scott Wimmer, and especially Dave Blaney. I’m standing on the shoulders of Bill Davis Racing giants today.”

18-Kyle Busch: “I’m just glad that this 18 team will be going for another championship next weekend. Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I’d like to introduce my newest addition to the Kyle Busch Motorsports lineup for 2017, Alex Bowman!”

OUT:

11-Denny Hamlin: “What can I say? We had a shot today and we couldn’t deliver. N-n-NO, don’t print that I said that! Say that I said something else like, um, we lost it by a shave and a haircut…no wait, um, this was worse than Michael Jordan playing with the Wizards…no, um…”

20-Matt Kenseth: “Look, I think you all saw what happened out there today—we got screwed royally when we got wrecked. I can’t believe other drivers would take it into their own hands to determine who would advance in the Chase.”

4-Kevin Harvick: “Huh, so this is what it feels like to be eliminated. I dunno, kinda thought it would hurt more, or at least would feel different than usual. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it sucks that we couldn’t advance, but I got the feeling it would be more different than this.”

41-Kurt Busch: “Yeah, well, at least the Cubs won.”

Phoenix BINGO

Rain Delay Blamed on Brian France

Sunday’s AAA Texas 500 was both delayed and abbreviated due to persistent rain in the area of Texas Motor Speedway. The cause of the rain, according to a sampling of fans, was put squarely on Nascar Chairman Brian France.

“Damnit, France did it again!”, said race fan Christina Kynlyn shortly after the first rain storm began. “This always happens now that that silver-spoon goof off Brian is in charge. We never had problems like this when Bill (France) Junior was running the show! And that reminds me—its Brian’s fault that Dale (Earnhardt) Jr. is out this weekend too!”

Fans from the track to the internet blamed the Nascar scion for Sunday’s precipitation, though it didn’t stop there.

“IDIOT BRIAN DOES IT AGAIN!” was the subject line of a message board thread started after the sudden conclusion to Sunday’s race. “Anybody with half a brain would’ve moved the start-time up to 9am so we could’ve all watched it. Figures that some stupid stuffed shirt like Brain (sic) would just let it rain like that. Same with moving all the races to cable and letting Tony Stewart retire!”

For the real reason, Spade Racing went to meteorologist Lewis Norman for the actual cause.

“Well, rain comes from a warm or cold front passing through the area, bringing with it saturated air and lower barometric pressure”, Norman said, “however, its worth pointing out that whenever it rains in Indianapolis in the month of May, it’s obviously Tony George’s fault.

A Rain Delay Flashback

http://spaderacing.blogspot.com/2013/04/texas-news-of-notes.html

Texas BINGO

Images of the Nascar Scorers During Sunday's Never-ending Caution

Jimmie Johnson Can’t Figure Out How He Won; Chad Knaus Credits “The Plan”

A befuddled Jimmie Johnson emerged victorious at Martinsville Speedway today, honestly unsure of how he was able to win today’s Cup Series race.

“Um, I don’t really know how we made this happen”, Johnson mentioned earnestly to the assembled media. “I mean, we ran out of gas on that weird caution when (Carl) Edwards wrecked, shouldn’t I have been a lap down, or at least dropped back to the tail end of the longest line for not maintaining the proper speed? I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t ask so many questions, but it’s weird, y’know?”

Johnson’s win puts him in the “Championship 4” at the finale in Homestead, though he admitted he will have trouble putting a possible championship in perspective.

“We’re always trying to win a championship, and you never want to look at gift horse in the mouth, but really, how do we put THIS into perspective?”, Johnson asked aloud. “I mean, when we look back on this, if we manage to win it all, what will we say, ‘Boy, we really got lucky there, I think, at Martinsville, THAT was the moment that propelled us to a record-typing fifth championship?’ I guess these things happen.”

However, in a marked difference in demeanor, Johnson’s crew chief Chad Knaus seemed to be calmly satisfied in his team’s effort, giving credit to “The Plan”.

“The Plan is correct. The Plan is sound. The Plan rules all.”, Knaus said almost robotically in the post-race media session. “Nascar tried to deviate from The Plan. Nascar didn’t know the power of The Plan. Now Nascar knows. Now The Plan will be followed to its finality.”

Klaus refused to say what, exactly, “The Plan” is, although he appeared to have issues explaining what it was himself.

“The Plan is bigger than all of us. The Plan is not to be explained. The Plan is not to be known”, Knaus said, adding, “Only in the end times of Homestead will The Plan be completely revealed to all.”

Meanwhile, Ricky Stenhouse Jr. was seen arguing with his crew chief over his “JGR-like strategy” to stay near the back all day.

Martinsville BINGO

Nascar Hell In A/The Cell

As we approach Halloween, we can be sure of two things: 1.) I won’t get invited to a Halloween party, and 2.) It’s almost time for the WWE to host their annual “Hell In A Cell” match, or, 2a.) “Hell In The Cell”, depending on your preference. Thankfully WWE has hooked up with Nascar to put forth this event:

(Card Subject to Change)

Pre-show:

“Rapid” Ryan Reed vs. “Choo-Choo” Charlie Kimball—Insulin on a Pole Match

Undercard:

Miles the Monster vs. Milo The Moose—Dover vs. New Hampshire showdown for Dullest Race of the Year

Paul Menard “Burns” and “Meow” Ryan Newman vs. “Bullseye” Kyle Larson and “Number One” Jamie McMurray—“Best of the Rest” Tag Team Match

Greg “The Biff” Biffle vs. “Panama” Jack Roush—Winner gets to decide when the other leaves the sport

Title Matches:

Nascar Six-Man Tag Team Title Match—Jimmie “Jam” Johnson, Alex “Substitute Driver” Bowman, and Kasey “I’m Still Here” Kahne (with Dale Earnhardt Jr.) vs. “Concrete” Carl Edwards, “Chin Fuzz” Denny Hamlin, and Matt “Even I Don’t Know Who Will Sponsor My Car with DeWalt Next Year” Kenseth (with Erik Jones)

Nascar Tag Team Title Match—The Penske Posse (Brad Keselowski and Joey Logano) vs. The SHuRe Things (Kurt Busch and Tony Stewart)

Nascar Rookie of the Year Title Match—Chase “I Blame Myself” Elliott vs. Ryan “Forever 21” Blaney vs. Chris “Rain Man” Buescher (loser has to drive home with Brian Scott)

Main Event Triple-Threat Match:

Nascar Championship Title Match—Kevin “The Closer” Harvick vs. Kyle “Rowdy” Busch vs. Martin “Bad Luck” Truex Jr.

“Whew!”

CLICK HERE FOR MY IN-RACE BREAKING NEWS

“Whew!, there wasn’t a big one!”, multiple race fans were heard to exclaim after the finish of today’s Hellman’s 500 in Talladega. “I don’t know how they did it—you saw the wad of cars back there!”

Race fans then added, “And look who was up there—I mean, Brian Scott? BRIAN SCOTT?!? And behind him was Denny Hamlin! I can’t believe it, they didn’t wreck! We didn’t have a ‘big one’ all day!”

Talladega typically produces at least one “big one” every race as a byproduct of restrictor plate racing, which bunches cars up in large backs mere inches apart from each other. The lack of such left fans stunned, but relieved.

“I can’t believe it. I really can’t believe it. That was some of the best driving I’ve seen in years, especially for this place. Wow, just…wow.”

Fans were expected to returning to complaining about the lack of on-track action by Tuesday.

BREAKING NEWS: Joe Gibbs Racing Signs Last-Minute Alliance with Reed Sorenson

Nascar fans were stunned at the start of today’s Hellman’s 500 from Talladega when drivers Kyle Busch, Carl Edwards, and Matt Kenseth dropped to the back of the field voluntarily. However, Spade Racing investigators have revealed that this was part of a larger strategic alliance with the only other car to drop back early, Reed Sorenson.

Denny Hamlin reportedly missed the meeting
to catch a really good rerun of "The Fresh
Prince of Bel-Air" on TV Land

“Reed has what it takes to win this thing—you saw how fast he was in qualifying”, Busch was overheard saying in an early-morning team meeting. “He has was it takes to win—no, not RYAN Reed, we want a guy who can actually race without spinning out.”

“We gotta drop to the back—it’s the only way that makes sense!”, Kenseth retorted, adding, “Look—I’m losing most of my sponsorship next year when Dollar General leaves. These big-time marketing guys, they don’t want to see a driver who goes out there running for the lead on every lap, they want someone who’s cautious and cunning, and that’s what we’re going to do by hooking up with Sorenson.”

Sorenson, running for the low-budget 55 team, surprised fans by advancing into the second round of qualifying for today’s race. His car seemed to pass through post-qualifying inspection without issue, leading some to wonder what he could legally have in the car that would allow him to run with teams who spend more than triple what his team does. His drop to the back at the start of the race has made many in Nascar—specifically the Gibbs team—think that he must have a game-changing strategic plan.

“Hey, I got no problem dropping to the back—I do this every year here”, Carl Edwards said.

Talladega BINGO

Steve Letarte Excited Over Spring Rubber Adjustment

NBC Sports broadcaster and former Nascar crew chief Steve Letarte expressed an amazing amount of pure, unforced excitement recently over a sprint rubber adjustment during the Cup race.

Steve Letarte--French for "Steve The Tarte"

“Look—they’re packing-in the new spring rubber!”, Letarte said to an audience of millions, “this could be the kind of move that could win or lose a race, they have to get that car working better, and this just might do it!”

Letarte has frequently shown the kind of enthusiasm for track-bar adjustments, tire air pressure changes, and splitter repairs most broadcasters reserve for game-winning touchdowns, buzzer-beater three-point-shots, and last-lap passes for the win in Nascar itself.

“This—THIS, is huge, guys”, Letarte told his fellow broadcasters, who appeared to be more focused on the race at hand than the spring rubber insertion, done to improve on-track performance by a small amount. “Can they make this car run better than it did before?!? Not only do they have to improve this car’s handling, but they need to make sure they’re not going to fall too far back with this longer-than-usual pitstop!”

Letarte has been the target of criticism from some fans for his fast-talking style and oddly-placed emphasis on the seemingly-mundane. However, Letarte defended himself in a post-race discussion.

“Look, as the former crew chief, I’m there to provide the technical analysis of the race”, Letarte said. “We have Rick (Allen) to call the race, Jeff (Burton) to provide the driver’s perspective, and I’m there to point how the stupendousness of a pit stop made a lap earlier than the rest of the field. For anyone who listens—really listens—to our broadcasts, they know that a spring rubber not only can make the difference between a 12th and a 15th place finish, but can also have an impact on a driver’s career comparable to winning multiple gold medals in the Olympics.”

Kevin Harvick Disappointed to Find Out About Special Free Bloomin’ Onion Promotion

Shortly after winning today’s Cup race at Kansas driver Kevin Harvick was surprised and disappointed when informed that, regardless of how he had finished today, fans would receive a free Bloomin’ Onion on Monday no matter what.

Means more to Kevin than pizza

“We’re just glad to get our fans a Bloomin’ Onion tomorrow with our win, we need a top-ten to do it but we wanted to make—what?” Harvick said in victory lane, only to be interrupted by a member of the Stewart-Haas Racing PR team. “The fans get the Bloomin’ Onion no matter what? Really? Well, OK, then, that’s good too, I guess.”

The visibly dejected Harvick was then forced to make it through his post-race interview and other media obligations in an obviously sour mood.

“Getting into the next round of the Chase, that’s key, you know”, Harvick mumbled. “We just gotta keep plugging away, going for it, whatever.”

Harvick was apparently unaware of the promotion, which was announced early on during the race’s telecast on NBC. The announcement shocked fans who were already stunned to see a Cup race on a Sunday afternoon on network tv.

“So I won that thing for nothing, really?”, Harvick was heard asking a member of his crew. “‘I believe that we will win’? More like ‘I believe that we just wasted our time here’”.

Harvick apparently was informed later on that his mid-week visit with Rutledge Wood was a part of the promotion, infuriating him further.

Kansas BINGO

Spade Racing Movie Previews: Autumn Edition

With the weather turing a bit cooler, the leaves falling off the trees, people getting way too excited over college football, it’s obviously fall. Hollywood is joining in with some excellent distractions for any of those dreary, 50-degree days, and here’s some with a Nascar-theme to them:

The Accountant—Nascar executives try to convince the bean-counters at Fortune 500 companies that sponsoring their series is anything but a gigantic waste of money.

Max Steel—Tony Stewart decides to go out in a blaze of glory and anger, attempting to wreck every single driver at Homestead with his solid-metal car.

Priceless—Comparing what Matt Kenseth said about Kyle Busch to what he says now that he’s a teammate of his? Priceless.

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back—Jack Roush tries to reach back into his past to revitalize his race team, but after a meeting with Ted Musgrave, he discovers its true—he can never go back.

Keeping Up with the Joneses—A dozen Nascar journalists compete in a “Cannonball Run”-style race to interview Buckshot Jones for a “Where Are They Now?” column.

31—Mike Skinner’s Cup carer is documented in this horror movie.

Denny Hamlin Sacrifices Engine to Motro, God of Racing

Denny Hamlin’s #11 FedEx Toyota had a great start to today’s race, running at or near the front for most of the first 2/3rds of the race. However, he was soon felled by an ancient ritual done to satisfy Motro, the ancient God of Racing, also known as a “blown engine”.

“Our number came up on the dark roulette wheel of fate, and it was up to us to make the sacrifice”, Hamlin said upon stepping out of his smoking car. “Motro gives and Motro takes away, and today, we were the ones taken away from. But we know the deal, so we do so humbly and gratefully.”

Motro will usually be offered a sacrificial racing engine roughly once a week, having claimed the engine of Jamie McMurray last week at Dover. Hamlin had avoided the dark roulette of fate for over two years.

“There’s really only three things that allow us to race—the fans, the sponsors, and Motro. Without Motro’s guidance none of this”, Hamlin said, gesturing around the garage, “would be here. We make this sacrifice hoping that it will be enough and that we may win next weekend at Kansas.”

In a related story, several other Chase drivers were seen cursing Motro upon exiting the infield care center.

Charlotte BINGO

My Trip to Dover

The view from our seats in Turn 2

The skies pre-race...threatening but thankfully temporary

Jamie Mac's engine blows

Dover to Host Outdoor Poker Tournament at Track

Hot of the heels of the “Battle at Bristol” football game and the recent announcement of an LPGA event coming to Indianapolis’s Brickyard Crossing golf course, Dover International Speedway has announced that they, too, will be joining the recent multi-purpose craze by hosting an outdoor poker tournament on the track in 2017.

“We constantly look at ways to better-utilize our facilities here, and we’ve been looking for something to add to our Nascar slate ever since that IndyCar race nobody came to”, said Dover International Speedway spokesperson Julia Anna. “With gambling legal in the casino on-site, poker was a natural addition to our schedule. Oh, and please stop calling us ‘Dover Downs’, we haven’t used that name for the Nascar track in decades.”

The poker tables will be laid-out along the front stretch, allowing fans full-view of the entire tournament. Reportedly the final table, featuring the last six remaining players, will be located on the start-finish line itself, giving the winning player the chance to claim the victory at the same spot as Derrike Cope and Jody Ridley did the same.

“Our main grandstands are capable of holding upwards of 50,000 fans, so we’re looking to break the current record by a mile—a MONSTER mile, if you will”, said Anna. “Delawareans love their sports, be it upper-level lower-level college football at the University of Delaware, or embarrassingly lower-level football at Delaware State, so we know that we’ll have a healthy turnout for this event. Oh, and please stop calling us ‘Dover Downs’, we haven’t used that name for the Nascar track in decades.”

Nicknames have already been suggested by on-site gamblers for the event, such as “The Diamond State Duke-Out”, “Hey, What’s A Guy Gotta Do To Get a Drink Here?”, and “How Many Horse Racing Dates They Down To Here Now Anyways?”.

“Just think—for the first time that we can remember, people will get to experience the excitement of outdoor poker, seeing as players study their cards intently and, occasionally, raise the stakes to a reasonable amount”, Anna explained. “Just imagine sitting in the Richard Petty Grandstands and watching as a professional poker player works on an inside straight.

“Oh,” Anna concluded, “and please stop calling us ‘Dover Downs’, we haven’t used that name for the Nascar track in decades.”

Dover BINGO

Daniel Hemric Revealed as Third Dillon Brother “Dex Dillon”

The mystery of the hiring of Daniel Hemric to run full-time for Richard Childress Racing has been solved, as a week after his signing was announced, team officials have revealed that Hemric is actually the long-long third “Dillon Brother” of Austin and Ty.

“DNA results show that the man currently known as Daniel Hemric is actually Dexter ‘Dex’ Dillon, long-lost younger brother of Austin and Ty”, a team official confirmed in a recent press release. “We are working diligently to integrate this long lost Childress family member into the family, namely by giving him a job driving for our race team.”

The existence of Dex Dillon had been rumored for years, but the identification of the former Hemric as the long-lost grandson of Richard Childress was still a shock to the racing world.

“We are glad to have Dex coming home to the family, race team, and marketing platform, and will help him gain a whole new fanbase thanks to our Tangential Earnhardt Connection”, the team official continued in the prepared statement. “We have already provided him with a guaranteed ride for 2017, and will continue to provide for him with a large assortment of cowboy hats. We will soon begin his face-enlarging procedures as well.”

Dex Dillon becomes the third member of the RCR racing team to have blood relation to the team’s owner, with other drivers Paul Menard and Brendan Gaughan holding rides thanks to their billionaire families.

In related news, Ryan Newman was seen frantically buying Powerball tickets while attempting to forge his birth certificate to read “Shooter Dillon”.

Darrell Waltrip Furious with NBC for Lack of Danica Patrick Coverage

Darrell Waltrip was reportedly furious in his Kentucky home after today’s Cup race, angry with NBC’s coverage—or lack thereof—of driver Danica Patrick’s day.

They called him "Jaws" because he
ate up Past Champions Provisionals

“How could they barely talk about her!” Waltrip was overheard by neighbors

yelling to no one in particular. “She was up there in the LEAD about 2/3rds of the way in thanks to pit strategy—how could nobody point out that genius strategic move she made?!?”

Waltrip, who works as a broadcaster for Fox for the first part of the season, is well-known for his fervent appreciation for Patrick’s on-track performance.

“It’s bad enough that we don’t have (Dale Earnhardt) Junior running now—NBC is missing the big stories!”, Waltrip continued in his diatribe. “I mean, 18th place? That’s better than more than half the field! That should be the first thing they’re talking about in the post-race, not who happened to come in first.”

Waltrip, a three-time Cup champion, is best-know to fans today as a broadcaster for constantly bringing up things such as Danica, his win in the 1989 Daytona 500, and Danica.

“People wonder why Nascar is lagging in the ratings, well THERE’S your answer”, Waltrip said, barely calming down from his furor. “You have to tell the fans what the story is, and the story is obviously that little lady running out there, doing her best to stay on the lead lap. The whole thing just makes me mad.”

NBC’s crew was unavailable for comment, as they were trying to explain to fans how the first green flag of the day could be considered a restart.

New Hampshire BINGO

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Admits to Nodding Off During Race

"I stole these glasses
from Ray Evernham"

Forced out of the drivers’ seat due to a concussion, Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been diligent in his rehabilitation, no matter how challenging it has been. He’s found a new challenge, however, to be even more daunting—staying awake while watching a race on tv.

“I dunno, its been awhile since I’ve watching a race from the couch instead of from the driver’s seat”, Earnhardt Jr. was heard saying in an exclusive interview. “I spent the first hundred laps or so flicking between the race and the (Washington) Redskins game, but I guess at some point I kinda dozed off.

“I’m still a member of Hendrick Motorsports, and I want to see my boys in the 88 car run as best as they can”, Dale Jr. continued, “but really, trying to keep my attention while there’s green flag racing at an intermediate track, its just a tough slog.”

Dale Jr., Nascar’s most popular driver, was awoken upon receiving a text message from a friend of his in the same fantasy football league, prompting him to check his lineup for the late games in the NFL schedule.

“He sent me a joke trade request, usually that kind of stuff annoys me”, said Dale Jr., “but if it wasn’t for that, I might’ve slept through the rest of the race. Its not like I’m having any trouble sleeping, its just, well, kinda dull on tv. I don’t know how our fans do it.”

Earnhardt Jr. eventually took care of some bills and contracts, admitting that he had the race on as “background noise”.

Elliott Blames Self for Late-Race Caution

After losing today’s race at Chicagoland due to a late caution, Chase Elliott was quick not to blame driver Michael McDowell for blowing a tire—instead, heaping the blame on himself for the incident.

“That was all my fault, 100% there”, Elliott said in a dejected tone post-race. “I think I mist have leaned on the 95 (Michael McDowell) car at some point during the pre-race. I just gotta get better at these careless errors if I want to actually win a race.”

Video evidence showed no proof of any kind that McDowell’s blown tire was anything other than a random mechanical failure, but Elliott was hearing none of it.

“No, I’m not gonna shift the blame around—this is all on me”, Elliott interjected upon seeing the footage (or lack thereof). “This was driver error, and I’m the driver. Stuff like this can’t keep happening to us in the Chase, especially if its my fault, like it always is.”

Media member were later seen suggesting that Elliott seek out counseling for his self-esteem issues.

Chicagoland BINGO

The Spade Racing 2016 Official Chase Grid

Not pictured: Ryan Newman, because he didn't qualify.

Above are my predictions for the 2016 Nascar Chase for the Sprint Cup, with Chris Buescher as the 2016 Sprint Cup Champion. Impossible, you say? Well, here’s how he’s going to do it:

ROUND OF 16

Chicagoland: WINNER Kyle Busch. The excitement of the “last race to the Chase” at Richmond quickly wears off with a dull affair at Chicagoland, where Kyle Busch leads a Toyota brigade to dominate the top-10. About the only DNF comes when Austin Dillon blows an engine late in the race, forcing him to run to the comfort of his smoking-hot fiancee.

New Hampshire: WINNER Kyle Busch. The “Kyle Busch Train” keeps on a-rolling as Rowdy outlasts a strong performance by brother Kurt Busch to visit victory lane in what is dubbed the “Busch Clash”, a term that is quickly forgotten. Everybody is talking about the fierce on-track battle between Matt Kenseth and Joey Logano which ends with Logano getting punted into the wall, torpedoing his Chase chances. The two snipe at each other through the media for the rest of the week, as they are wont to do.

DOVER: WINNER Jimmie Johnson. “The Comeback” begins at his greatest track, with Jimmie Johnson putting on a clinic at The Monster Mile. A massive early-race wreck on the backstretch wipes out a number of cars, including Chasers Martin Truex Jr. and Jamie McMurray. McMurray takes the hit in stride, saying that “he’ll be back next week”, while Truex complains that the gray cloud that had been hovering over him all season caused a slick spot on the track. Avoiding the wreck is Chris Buescher, who records his third-straight 20th-25th-place finish, allowing him to squeak by into the next round. ELIMINATED: Martin Truex Jr., Joey Logano, Austin Dillon, Jamie McMurray

ROUND OF 12

CHARLOTTE: WINNER Carl Edwards. Cousin Carl outlasts Kyle Larson on a fuel-mileage gamble, watching Larson and others run out of gas in the waning laps. Attempts to repaint the SAFER barrier as “Carlotte” are abandoned midway through for obvious flow reasons. Kevin Harvick drops out of contention after speeding on pit road on the final round of pit stops, which he blames on his crew for “surprising (him) by doing the job right for once”.

KANSAS: WINNER Chase Elliott. NBC finds itself in hot water after they hype “The Kurse of Kyle at Kansas” throughout the race, then, as Kyle has a mechanical failure with 20 laps to go, they announce “THE KKK HAS STRUCK AGAIN!!!”. Chase Elliott inherits the lead and pops out of his car in Victory Lane with his new pit hat, Make America Chase Again. Tony Stewart is clipped into the wall early by Ryan Newman, who is immediately parked by RCR for “tearing up Ty’s equipment”.

TALLADEGA: WINNER Matt Kenseth. After a week’s worth of hype about how “anything can happen at ‘Dega”, we get one of the strangest races of all-time, in which we see nothing but green-flag racing for almost the entire race. On the white-flag lap, however, twenty different drivers “make their move to the front” at the same time, leading to a 38-car wreck. The only cars not involved are those of Matt Kenseth (leader at the time) and Chris Buescher (hanging in the back). ELIMINATED: Kyle Busch, Kevin Harvick, Kyle Larson, Tony Stewart

ROUND OF 8

MARTINSVILLE: WINNER Jeff Gordon. Substituting for Nascar’s most popular driver, Jeff Gordon makes all the Alex Bowman fans in the stands happy by repeating his success of 2015. Gordon dedicates the victory to fellow competitor Kurt Busch, who suffers a punctured tire from the lead after being shot at from the stands by a sniper known only as “Datricia Priscoll”.

TEXAS: WINNER Denny Hamlin. In what becomes known as “The Flu Race”, Denny Hamlin manages to win one of the longest races of the Chase despite suffering from food poisoning believed to have been caused by consuming irregular “factory second” M&M’s celebrating honoring teammate “Koil Bush”. Joey Logano finally gets his revenge on Matt Kenseth, but not by causing his early-race handling problems, but by telling him post-race, “Your Mom”.

PHOENIX: WINNER Brad Keselowski. Brad Keselowski, after having finished well off the pace in the previous two races, intentionally breaks his foot post-Texas, allowing him to nearly lap the field at Phoenix for the win, avoiding a spinning Carl Edwards on the final lap (several laps down due to “the guacamole incident”). Ironically his win is almost completely overshadowed by the announcement that Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be returning to full-time Cup competition at Daytona in 2017 AND will have a slightly-different color #88 on the side of his car. Chris Buescher finishes 20th, making the next round of the Chase by a single point over Chase Elliott, who is later seen punching himself in the face. ELIMINATED: Carl Edwards, Matt Kenseth, Kurt Busch, Chase Elliott.

CHAMPIONSHIP 4

HOMESTEAD-MIAMI: WINNER Tony Stewart. Tony Stewart shocks the sports world, as with the eyes of the universe on him in his final race, Smoke manages to hold off a hard-charging Kyle Larson to win the final Nascar race of his career. Perhaps acknowledging the specialness of the situation, Nascar allows Stewart leeway as he punts Brad Keselowski AND Denny Hamlin out of the way midway through the race during a restart. That restart happens to have been caused by a bizarre transmission failure on Jimmie Johnson’s car, which leads to a meltdown on the radio in which Johnson calls crew chief Chad Knaus “unprepared”, and Knaus fires back that Johnson “isn’t very nice”. By virtue of finishing as the last car on the lead lap, Chris Buescher is the highest-finishing of the Championship Four, earning him the title of the 2016 Nascar Sprint Cup Champion.

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