Spade Racing: September 2016

Dover BINGO

“News” and Notes takes a hiatus during the Chase—instead, here’s a fun game you can play at home while watching the race on tv. In honor of Douglas Ladd’s great idea, here’s Spade Racing’s BINGO!

Daniel Hemric Revealed as Third Dillon Brother “Dex Dillon”

The mystery of the hiring of Daniel Hemric to run full-time for Richard Childress Racing has been solved, as a week after his signing was announced, team officials have revealed that Hemric is actually the long-long third “Dillon Brother” of Austin and Ty.

“DNA results show that the man currently known as Daniel Hemric is actually Dexter ‘Dex’ Dillon, long-lost younger brother of Austin and Ty”, a team official confirmed in a recent press release. “We are working diligently to integrate this long lost Childress family member into the family, namely by giving him a job driving for our race team.”

The existence of Dex Dillon had been rumored for years, but the identification of the former Hemric as the long-lost grandson of Richard Childress was still a shock to the racing world.

“We are glad to have Dex coming home to the family, race team, and marketing platform, and will help him gain a whole new fanbase thanks to our Tangential Earnhardt Connection”, the team official continued in the prepared statement. “We have already provided him with a guaranteed ride for 2017, and will continue to provide for him with a large assortment of cowboy hats. We will soon begin his face-enlarging procedures as well.”

Dex Dillon becomes the third member of the RCR racing team to have blood relation to the team’s owner, with other drivers Paul Menard and Brendan Gaughan holding rides thanks to their billionaire families.

In related news, Ryan Newman was seen frantically buying Powerball tickets while attempting to forge his birth certificate to read “Shooter Dillon”.

Darrell Waltrip Furious with NBC for Lack of Danica Patrick Coverage

Darrell Waltrip was reportedly furious in his Kentucky home after today’s Cup race, angry with NBC’s coverage—or lack thereof—of driver Danica Patrick’s day.

They called him "Jaws" because he
ate up Past Champions Provisionals

“How could they barely talk about her!” Waltrip was overheard by neighbors

yelling to no one in particular. “She was up there in the LEAD about 2/3rds of the way in thanks to pit strategy—how could nobody point out that genius strategic move she made?!?”

Waltrip, who works as a broadcaster for Fox for the first part of the season, is well-known for his fervent appreciation for Patrick’s on-track performance.

“It’s bad enough that we don’t have (Dale Earnhardt) Junior running now—NBC is missing the big stories!”, Waltrip continued in his diatribe. “I mean, 18th place? That’s better than more than half the field! That should be the first thing they’re talking about in the post-race, not who happened to come in first.”

Waltrip, a three-time Cup champion, is best-know to fans today as a broadcaster for constantly bringing up things such as Danica, his win in the 1989 Daytona 500, and Danica.

“People wonder why Nascar is lagging in the ratings, well THERE’S your answer”, Waltrip said, barely calming down from his furor. “You have to tell the fans what the story is, and the story is obviously that little lady running out there, doing her best to stay on the lead lap. The whole thing just makes me mad.”

NBC’s crew was unavailable for comment, as they were trying to explain to fans how the first green flag of the day could be considered a restart.

New Hampshire BINGO

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Admits to Nodding Off During Race

"I stole these glasses
from Ray Evernham"

Forced out of the drivers’ seat due to a concussion, Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been diligent in his rehabilitation, no matter how challenging it has been. He’s found a new challenge, however, to be even more daunting—staying awake while watching a race on tv.

“I dunno, its been awhile since I’ve watching a race from the couch instead of from the driver’s seat”, Earnhardt Jr. was heard saying in an exclusive interview. “I spent the first hundred laps or so flicking between the race and the (Washington) Redskins game, but I guess at some point I kinda dozed off.

“I’m still a member of Hendrick Motorsports, and I want to see my boys in the 88 car run as best as they can”, Dale Jr. continued, “but really, trying to keep my attention while there’s green flag racing at an intermediate track, its just a tough slog.”

Dale Jr., Nascar’s most popular driver, was awoken upon receiving a text message from a friend of his in the same fantasy football league, prompting him to check his lineup for the late games in the NFL schedule.

“He sent me a joke trade request, usually that kind of stuff annoys me”, said Dale Jr., “but if it wasn’t for that, I might’ve slept through the rest of the race. Its not like I’m having any trouble sleeping, its just, well, kinda dull on tv. I don’t know how our fans do it.”

Earnhardt Jr. eventually took care of some bills and contracts, admitting that he had the race on as “background noise”.

Elliott Blames Self for Late-Race Caution

After losing today’s race at Chicagoland due to a late caution, Chase Elliott was quick not to blame driver Michael McDowell for blowing a tire—instead, heaping the blame on himself for the incident.

“That was all my fault, 100% there”, Elliott said in a dejected tone post-race. “I think I mist have leaned on the 95 (Michael McDowell) car at some point during the pre-race. I just gotta get better at these careless errors if I want to actually win a race.”

Video evidence showed no proof of any kind that McDowell’s blown tire was anything other than a random mechanical failure, but Elliott was hearing none of it.

“No, I’m not gonna shift the blame around—this is all on me”, Elliott interjected upon seeing the footage (or lack thereof). “This was driver error, and I’m the driver. Stuff like this can’t keep happening to us in the Chase, especially if its my fault, like it always is.”

Media member were later seen suggesting that Elliott seek out counseling for his self-esteem issues.

Chicagoland BINGO

The Spade Racing 2016 Official Chase Grid

Not pictured: Ryan Newman, because he didn't qualify.

Above are my predictions for the 2016 Nascar Chase for the Sprint Cup, with Chris Buescher as the 2016 Sprint Cup Champion. Impossible, you say? Well, here’s how he’s going to do it:

ROUND OF 16

Chicagoland: WINNER Kyle Busch. The excitement of the “last race to the Chase” at Richmond quickly wears off with a dull affair at Chicagoland, where Kyle Busch leads a Toyota brigade to dominate the top-10. About the only DNF comes when Austin Dillon blows an engine late in the race, forcing him to run to the comfort of his smoking-hot fiancee.

New Hampshire: WINNER Kyle Busch. The “Kyle Busch Train” keeps on a-rolling as Rowdy outlasts a strong performance by brother Kurt Busch to visit victory lane in what is dubbed the “Busch Clash”, a term that is quickly forgotten. Everybody is talking about the fierce on-track battle between Matt Kenseth and Joey Logano which ends with Logano getting punted into the wall, torpedoing his Chase chances. The two snipe at each other through the media for the rest of the week, as they are wont to do.

DOVER: WINNER Jimmie Johnson. “The Comeback” begins at his greatest track, with Jimmie Johnson putting on a clinic at The Monster Mile. A massive early-race wreck on the backstretch wipes out a number of cars, including Chasers Martin Truex Jr. and Jamie McMurray. McMurray takes the hit in stride, saying that “he’ll be back next week”, while Truex complains that the gray cloud that had been hovering over him all season caused a slick spot on the track. Avoiding the wreck is Chris Buescher, who records his third-straight 20th-25th-place finish, allowing him to squeak by into the next round. ELIMINATED: Martin Truex Jr., Joey Logano, Austin Dillon, Jamie McMurray

ROUND OF 12

CHARLOTTE: WINNER Carl Edwards. Cousin Carl outlasts Kyle Larson on a fuel-mileage gamble, watching Larson and others run out of gas in the waning laps. Attempts to repaint the SAFER barrier as “Carlotte” are abandoned midway through for obvious flow reasons. Kevin Harvick drops out of contention after speeding on pit road on the final round of pit stops, which he blames on his crew for “surprising (him) by doing the job right for once”.

KANSAS: WINNER Chase Elliott. NBC finds itself in hot water after they hype “The Kurse of Kyle at Kansas” throughout the race, then, as Kyle has a mechanical failure with 20 laps to go, they announce “THE KKK HAS STRUCK AGAIN!!!”. Chase Elliott inherits the lead and pops out of his car in Victory Lane with his new pit hat, Make America Chase Again. Tony Stewart is clipped into the wall early by Ryan Newman, who is immediately parked by RCR for “tearing up Ty’s equipment”.

TALLADEGA: WINNER Matt Kenseth. After a week’s worth of hype about how “anything can happen at ‘Dega”, we get one of the strangest races of all-time, in which we see nothing but green-flag racing for almost the entire race. On the white-flag lap, however, twenty different drivers “make their move to the front” at the same time, leading to a 38-car wreck. The only cars not involved are those of Matt Kenseth (leader at the time) and Chris Buescher (hanging in the back). ELIMINATED: Kyle Busch, Kevin Harvick, Kyle Larson, Tony Stewart

ROUND OF 8

MARTINSVILLE: WINNER Jeff Gordon. Substituting for Nascar’s most popular driver, Jeff Gordon makes all the Alex Bowman fans in the stands happy by repeating his success of 2015. Gordon dedicates the victory to fellow competitor Kurt Busch, who suffers a punctured tire from the lead after being shot at from the stands by a sniper known only as “Datricia Priscoll”.

TEXAS: WINNER Denny Hamlin. In what becomes known as “The Flu Race”, Denny Hamlin manages to win one of the longest races of the Chase despite suffering from food poisoning believed to have been caused by consuming irregular “factory second” M&M’s celebrating honoring teammate “Koil Bush”. Joey Logano finally gets his revenge on Matt Kenseth, but not by causing his early-race handling problems, but by telling him post-race, “Your Mom”.

PHOENIX: WINNER Brad Keselowski. Brad Keselowski, after having finished well off the pace in the previous two races, intentionally breaks his foot post-Texas, allowing him to nearly lap the field at Phoenix for the win, avoiding a spinning Carl Edwards on the final lap (several laps down due to “the guacamole incident”). Ironically his win is almost completely overshadowed by the announcement that Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be returning to full-time Cup competition at Daytona in 2017 AND will have a slightly-different color #88 on the side of his car. Chris Buescher finishes 20th, making the next round of the Chase by a single point over Chase Elliott, who is later seen punching himself in the face. ELIMINATED: Carl Edwards, Matt Kenseth, Kurt Busch, Chase Elliott.

CHAMPIONSHIP 4

HOMESTEAD-MIAMI: WINNER Tony Stewart. Tony Stewart shocks the sports world, as with the eyes of the universe on him in his final race, Smoke manages to hold off a hard-charging Kyle Larson to win the final Nascar race of his career. Perhaps acknowledging the specialness of the situation, Nascar allows Stewart leeway as he punts Brad Keselowski AND Denny Hamlin out of the way midway through the race during a restart. That restart happens to have been caused by a bizarre transmission failure on Jimmie Johnson’s car, which leads to a meltdown on the radio in which Johnson calls crew chief Chad Knaus “unprepared”, and Knaus fires back that Johnson “isn’t very nice”. By virtue of finishing as the last car on the lead lap, Chris Buescher is the highest-finishing of the Championship Four, earning him the title of the 2016 Nascar Sprint Cup Champion.

Ty Dillon Furious with Ryan Newman for Wrecking His Car

Almost immediately after the vicious wreck that red-flagged tonight’s race at Richmond, Ty Dillon was seen in the Nascar garage steaming mad that Ryan Newman had destroyed “his car”.

“How could he do that? Doesn’t he know that that’s going to me MY ride next year?” Dillon was heard yelling at random RCR crew members shortly after the crash. “This is NOT acceptable, no way, no how.”

“Doesn’t he remember what we went over in the meeting earlier with (team owner and grandfather Richard Childress) Pop-Pop?”, Dillon raged to an unidentified team employee. “He needs to barely miss making the Chase, have a disappointing end to the season, then I get to take over next year! This is how we’re going to do it, but NOT by wrecking cars that I will need to race in 2017!!!”

Ty Dillon had been rumored for months to have been pencilled-in for the 31 car next season, despite Newman’s decent performance pursuant to the rest of his teammates, Austin (Ty’s brother) Dillon and Paul “Save Big Money at” Menard(s). Newman, who came within a race of winning the championship two years ago, was expected to have been released due to “lack of sponsorship”, despite current sponsors Caterpillar and Grainger staying on.

Upon seeing a tv camera nearby, Dillon quickly tried to take back what he said, upon which the cameraman was pushed away from the RCR entourage, with at least one crew member heard saying “hold my watch”.

Worried that his “gold ol boy” image would be ruined, Dillon quickly found the nearest tv. Upon seeing that Newman had chosen the opportunity to eviscerate Tony Stewart, Dillon smiled.

If I Were Allowed to Respond to Ryan Newman

“Well, I think the record stands for itself—you’re looking at a guy who had a dream job at Penske Racing and couldn’t work with Rusty Wallace OR Kurt Busch, so he gets a sweet gig from, oh, I dunno, TONY STEWART, but makes sure he takes a swipe at Kurt Busch’s apparent mental health issues on his way out. Then Ryan loses his job at Stewart-Haas, and instead of being a man about it and calling out someone there for giving his ride to someone else, he lets it bubble up inside of him until TONIGHT, when he just destroys Tony Stewart on tv. He brings up ‘anger management issues’, which is pretty funny for a guy who threatened Joey Logano to a fight in the garage. He says that Tony Stewart is ‘bi-polar’—gee, it must be great to be a part of the Newman family, where everyone is so chemically perfect that no one ever has any mental health issues, apparently. He says Stewart should have retired already—remind me again, which of those two is in the Chase and which is running out the string at RCR? Oh, that reminds me, guessing Ryan’s gonna be looking for a job in 2017—hey Ryan, I hear BK Racing’s hiring.”

Richmond “News” and Notes: Special Last Race Before The Chase Edition

—Due to a Labor Day barbecue at my Aunt’s place, I missed the Truck race on Sunday—anything exciting happen I should know about?

—For violations of the rule book, Ryan Newman has been docked 15 points, severely hampering his chance at making the Chase.

—For violations of the rule book, Kyle Larson has been docked 15 points, doing nothing.

—Y’know, a lot is coming out about Larson’s journey to Nascar, specifically how Chip Ganassi was the only one willing to sign him without sponsorship attached. Larson joins drivers such as Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson who came to the Cup Series the same way. With that track record of success, could Nascar team owners finally change course and start hiring drivers based solely on talent alone, investing in the future and ultimately presenting an even-better scenario for sponsors? Haha, no way—let’s put Brian Scott in the car for another year!

—Good news—Matt Tifft is back testing again, and a return to active competition seems not that far off. Now all he has to do is outshine those who substituted in for him while he was out—y’know, the menagerie of drivers who all managed to win in his absence. Y’uh-oh.

—Before you go and blame the dip in Nascar tv ratings on the Chase, or football season, or the lack of Dale Jr., ask yourself this very important question: Why do you care about tv ratings in the first place?

Interstate Batteries Throwback Scheme Reminder of when Likable Drivers Drove the 18 Car

Nascar’s best and brightest participated in the second-annual Throwback Weekend at Darlington (thus why Brian Scott didn’t participate), with cars taking the look of many of the paint schemes of the past. Amongst the most-popular was the 18 Interstate Batteries scheme, made to look like the car’s earlier days when likable human beings drove the car.

“It was great seeing the 18 on the track with those old colors, reminding me of when I actually was glad to see the car go to victory lane”, one fan at the track said to an on-site reporter. “Back with Dale Jarrett or Bobby Labonte in the car, you actually wanted to see them do well, and even if they didn’t, you knew they wouldn’t blow off post-race interviews because they were petulant.”

Both Jarrett and Labonte saw historic performances in the Interstate Batteries livery, with Jarrett winning the Daytona 500 and Labonte winning the 2000 Cup championship. Since then the car has been seen frequently winning in Xfinity Series races, occasionally followed by the destruction of the winner’s trophy.

“Yeah, remember when they wound run the old NFL helmets with all the different teams?”, another fan was overheard saying. “Now they just run that hideous Zubaz-looking scheme, makes me think of Fruit Stripe gum.”

Fans all over the track were reported to reminisce about when they wouldn’t call for the 18 car to wreck, blow a tire, or generally have a bad day, mostly because they had a genuine affection for the driver of the car, rather than only liking him for his smoking-hot wife.

Regardless, no one at the track was able to remember who drove the car after Labonte’s departure.

Nascar’s Throwforward/Turn-AHEAD-The-Clock Weekend—Darlington “News” and Notes

People are excited—and rightfully so—about the upcoming throwback weekend for Nascar at Darlington, which will see virtually every team participate with a vintage paint scheme honoring the past of the team, sponsor, driver, or number. While looking to the past is all well and good, how about looking to…THE FUTURE?

1—Cessna Space Travel

2—“Tastes Bold/Less Polluting”

3—Tribute to the first two-seater car, driven simultaneously by Austin and Ty Dillon

4—Busch Maximum Light Canned Water

5—BorgClips Robot Haircuttery

Now with 33% more Jeff!

6—Whatever the car will look like in 2022 when Mark Martin makes his comeback

10—Soylent Green protein bars (made from 100% Green Brothers)

11—DronEx Drone Delivery Service

13—Geico Commercial Production Company

14—Financial Services Firm of Clinton J. “Clint” Bowyer, Esq.

16—No to Ortho insect rights advocacy group

17—Partsenal body part replacement suppliers

18—Paint scheme designed by Brexton Busch or his yet-to-be-born sibling, Brexit

19—SportClips Competitive Hair Cutting League

20—Euro General

Sequel to Chase's father's book,
"Finding Your Inner Awesome"

21—Motorcraft by Chrysler, a division of GM, a Ford company

22—Shell’s future promotion: “When Joey wins, pay only $4.99/gallon!”

24—“Chase-ing Your Self Esteem! Building Your Own Sense of Self on the Track” book release

27—Same logo, same co-sponsors, same banjo music

31—The car to be driven by Dex Dillon, the long-long third Dillon Brother

34—“Turn Ahead The Clock Throwback”, a tribute to the 2016 Cup Champion Chris Buescher

41—Haas 3-D Printers

Smithtek's biggest competitor

42—The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything

43—Smithtek’s Ham-Like Substance Pork-Substitute Product

44—Scott Family Trust Beneficiary Fund

47—AJ Allmendinger School of Breakdancing

48—Lowe’s House of Robots

78—Tough-Luck Truex’s Voo-Doo Curse-Breakers

88—Nationwide is On Your Side, If that’s acceptable to you

Tropical Storm Hermie Threatens Darlington Race Weekend

Please take shelter in basements of
TNA Impact Wrestling fans

Continuing NASCAR's recent history of screwing up important weekends with bad weather, Tropical Storm Hermie is prepared to bear down on the Carolina Coast, threatening NASCAR's Southern 500 weekend.

"We've been watching Hermie for quite a while--since the mid-90s, essentially", said meteorologist Amelia Caesar. "Judging by the storm's track record so far, it appears to be impacting the Xfinity Series more than anything, although we can't rule out a minor effect on the Cup Series race on Sunday."

Hermie, like most Tropical Storms, originated in Emporia, Virginia before strengthening over the Southeast region. While its total impact remains to be seen, experts are cautious about the possible aftereffects.

"After its initial landfall, we could see Hermie linger around for a lengthy period, not really posing a threat to anyone but letting people know it's still there", Caesar said. "After the horrible wreckage we saw from Hurricane Elliott in Talladega and Pocono, we're taking no chances."

The storm is expected to be seen next somewhere in Canada.

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