As Nascar kicks off its 2022 season with a raft of new regulations, some so-called fans are amping up their criticism of the series. To that end, the sanctioning body has introduced a new drug to pacify them: Stopwatching.
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| Ask your friends you've been complaining to for years if Stopwatching is right for you |
“So many different drug companies advertise on our broadcasts, this seemed like a natural fit”, said Joel Nelson, Nascar’s Director of Marketing Initiatives and Drug Research. “Skyrizi, Keytruda, those old Viagra ads with Mark Martin—it just made sense. And now we can finally make money off those middle-aged ‘fans’ who haven’t bought anything since Ward Burton left Bill Davis Racing.”
As explained to the assembled media, the drug works by blocking the fan’s eyesight and hearing, preventing them from watching—and judging—something that they haven’t enjoyed since 2003.
“Without having access to our racing product, these oldsters can imagine the race they want”, Nelson said. “And by pairing Stopwatching with the common symptom known as ‘rose tinted glasses’, I’m sure that any race that goes on in their embittered minds will be to their liking.”
“I was one of the first test subjects for Stopwatching”, said longtime race fan and race criticizer Mike Robinson. “For years I went online to complain about how the race wasn’t exactly to my specifications—or how if it WAS, that Nascar had rigged the finish. But now with Stopwatching, I can just sit out on the porch, think back to the good old days that I barely remember, and wait for death to finally take me away.”
Response to the drug has been strong, with IndyCar particularly looking to order Stopwatching in bulk.
“With Stopwatching, race series need no longer be the victims of constant criticism from a small percentage of whiners”, Nelson said. “Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and now those who don’t learn from the present are blessed to repeat history.”
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