(this is a work of satire)
While primarily focused on trying to win the 2023 Nascar Cup championship, Kyle Larson is also planning ahead to next year’s Memorial Day Weekend “Double”. In order to allow himself to run both the Indianapolis 500 and the Coca-Cola 600 in the same day, Larson announced that he has cloned himself earlier this week.
“We needed to get moving on this, so the clone can be prepped to run the proper practice and qualifying laps it’ll need to”, the original Larson said this morning. “Obviously I myself will try to run as much of the races as possible, but we need to have a backup for some of the ancillary events, and that’s where my clone will really come in handy.”
Larson made the move to create a second lifeform of himself with the full support of both his team owner, Rick Hendrick, and his primary sponsor, Rick Hendrick.
“We fully support Kyle in his attempts to ‘do the double’ next year, and we think that having a clone on standby will be a real boon towards the effort”, owner/sponsor Hendrick said. “Also, please note that I’m using the ‘royal we’ here—I have not cloned myself to handle sponsor negotiations with myself…yet.”
The clone, being generated at MOXOC Cloning and Pest Control, will reportedly spend most of its time at Indianapolis Motor Speedway throughout the “month of May”, ready to participate in any secondary practice sessions that Kyle Larson (the original one) will have to miss due to his Nascar commitments. Afterwards, he will be on-call in Charlotte in case the Indianapolis 500 goes long.
“Look—nobody wants to see a caution-filled Indy 500, but we have to be prepared for that possibility”, the primary Larson explained. “Heck—we’ve seen the difficulties that previous drivers have encountered when ‘doing the Double’, and we want to avoid them—mostly because I don’t want to deal with talking to Robby Gordon.”
The clone is expected to start its on-track training this winter, at which point it will also be educated on why IndyCar fans are so bitter and whiny.
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