Coming off her appearance in the Fox broadcast booth last week, the medical industry is investigating the use of Danica Patrick’s voice for inducing sleep in those suffering from insomnia.
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| Commentary as exciting as doing your taxes (with a metal bottle of soda in your hand) |
“We’ve found that there’s many ways to lull a person to sleep—drugs, therapy, professional golf—but nothing seems to work quite as well as the droning monotone commentary of Danica Patrick”, said Dr. Emily Heston, an expert on sleep studies. “By harnessing her opinions on Nascar, delivered with all the intensity of Steven Wright, we might be able to make a major breakthrough for those who haven’t responded to traditional methods.”
Studies began last weekend, but are continuing this weekend with Danica’s return broadcast from Phoenix.
“Last week we happened to have the race replay on in the background, and we were amazed at how quickly some of our most-difficult patients drifted off to sleep”, Dr. Heston said. “Once they got past Clint Bowyer’s inane banter, they were able to let Danica Patrick’s dull insights overpower their desires to stay awake.”
Dr. Heston also said that they hope to use Patrick’s forthcoming broadcast excursions in IndyCar and Formula 1 to further the research.
“We’re looking forward to seeing what commenting on a three-hour-long pre-race from Indianapolis can do for our toughest patients”, Dr. Heston said. “We might also have some use for her F1 broadcasts, although some patients might be kept awake wondering how someone who never raced Formula 1 is commenting on Formula 1.”
Reportedly a team of scientists is also working on turning Jeff Burton’s high-pitched screaming into an effective alarm clock.
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