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BREAKING NEWS: Kyle Larson Announces Immediate Retirement


In a hastily-arranged press conference from his North Carolina home, Kyle Larson announced this morning that, effective immediately, he is retiring from all forms of racing.
“I was just sitting alone in my basement last night, unable to sleep, wondering about what the future would hold”, a sleep-deprived Larson said in the webcast.  “And I realized that I’ve really accomplished everything I wanted to in my career—in Nascar, in sprint cars, and even in iRacing.  Therefore, I would like to say that I am leaving the racing world for good as of today.”
Larson stated that his decision was based on a number of factors.
“Well, I want to spend more time with my family”, Larson said.  “And, uh, that’s not enough?  Well, there’s, uh, safety concerns, and not wanting to ruin my legacy…team changes…sponsorship…uh, did I mention spending more time with my family?”
Larson’s impromptu retirement joins such drivers as Jimmie Johnson, Paul Menard, and David Ragan as Nascar Cup drivers who have retired or are retiring in the recent or coming months.
“I imagine that this will be big news.  Really big news.  The kind of news that will sweep any other news about me off the map, making my retirement the only thing people read about me all day”, Larson said with increasing urgency.  “Really, there’s no need to search any further for any other news about me, Kyle Larson, OK?  I’m retiring, that’s it.”

When Spade Racing reached out for comment to Larson, asking if his retirement had anything to do with his comments last night on an iRacing stream, Larson refused to respond.