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a MOXOC Media Production
Denial
Hey NASCAR fans--are you depressed about the future of your sport? Are you angry that it's become more gimmicky than a three-ring circus? Are you desperately looking for something--ANYTHING--to keep following a sport that's sinking further into segmented races and the disaster that is the Chase?
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| Use in moderation |
Well, now you've found it.
Denial! That's right, Denial. Denial is a proven system to help you deal with a racing world that seems to be completely falling apart. By applying Denial to your racing fandom, you'll be able to deal with anything, anytime, any points system.
See a phantom debris caution thrown just before Danica goes a lap down? With Denial you'll see a huge chunk of a race car sitting in Turn 2, even if Fox doesn't.
Carl Edwards retires just before NASCAR introduces its latest gimmickry intended to make "drivers race hard every lap"? Denial will have you reassured that he really DID just want to enjoy the good life in rural Missouri.
More races airing on FS2 and CNBC? Thanks to Denial you'll know it's just a courtesy to let you see more call-response ads featuring Brett Favre.
Just look at what Denial has done for those in the racing community already!
"When you're this deep into fandom, you know you're either trapped following a joke or giving up something you've dedicated years to. Or so I thought--with Denial, I know that things are only going to get better, the new series sponsorship is long-term, and my latest innovation for my website will be a great success, and NOT just another way to avoid social interaction!" --Mike (Wilmington, DE)
"With Denial, I know that I'm not a one-hit wonder on a sinking ship of a team--I have a shot to make the Chase by having the right strategy to finish strong in the early segments!" --Trevor (Concord, NC)
"Hey, that stuff was great, but I can't do that anymore, now that I'm in the corporate world. But man, how I long for those nights, dollar-bill rolled-up, arm candy chopping it up just right--wait, what? What's Denial?" --Brian (Daytona, FL)
Don't delay--get Denial today!
Carl Edwards Returns to Substitute Teaching
Mere days after leaving Nascar to pursue other interests, former driver Carl Edwards have revealed those interests to be his primary source of income from his pre-racing days: working as a substitute teacher in the Columbia, Missouri school system.
“The racing world was great to me and my family, there’s no denying that. But I always wanted to get back to my true passion—executing prepared lesson-plans for regular teachers who have called out sick for the day”, Edwards said upon revealing his new mode of employment. “That’s why I reactivated my employment within the school system and will be officially ready for work as of tomorrow.”
By virtue of his lengthy sabbatical, Edwards immediately drops to the bottom of the “totem pole” in terms of choice positions. However, he remains hopeful that he’ll be able to be working steadily by the end of the month.
“I have experience, both real-world and teaching-wise, so I have a lot of offer the kids”, Edwards said. “I realize that I won’t get the choice assignments right away, but I’m really hoping for one of those social studies courses in middle school, there’s gotta be a LOT to talk about right now.”
Edwards was rehired upon showing he had reliable transportation to and from work, as well as a willingness to deal with unsteady employment status. He has said that he hopes to “climb the ladder” in the school system’s substitute teacher pool in the coming months and years.
“What I’d REALLY like is one of those long-term sub jobs, where the teacher’s having surgery or on maternity leave”, Edwards said. “It would sure beat waking up around 5am and not knowing if they’ll need you that day.
“Anyways, its still gotta be better than working with Kyle Busch.”
Spade Racing’s 2016 Silent But Deadly Game Tournament FINALS
For years Nascar fans have been saying that the “Chase for the Cup” is not a valid way to determine the best driver in Nascar’s top series. How, then, can we find out who truly is “the best of the best” in stock car racing?
That’s where Spade Racing comes in.
Taking inspiration from the WWF/E’s 1998 Survivor Series “Deadly Game” tournament to crown a new champion, we at Spade Racing have assembled the 15 greatest drivers in Nascar (…and Chris Buescher) in a secret underground fighting tournament to determine who really IS the best.
And now, here it is, the Spade Racing Silent But Deadly Game Tournament!
FINALS
5. Joey Logano vs. 6. Jimmie Johnson vs. 10. Carl Edwards
RECAP: The Triple Threat saw the heel Joey Logano go after the face Carl Edwards shortly after the bell rang, only for the tweener Jimmie Johnson to begin striking the both of them to the delight of the crowd. Edwards attempted to put Logano into an armbar, but the sinewy superstar was able to counter, attempting to set-up for a Pennzoil Plunge. However, Jimmie Johnson quickly interfered with his new finishing move, the vicious double-armed “Lowes Blow”. With the crowd raging in Johnson’s favor, he delivered another Lowes Blow to Edwards, then, seeing both of his opponents felled, pinned both for the 1-2-3 and the win. With that, Jimmie Johnson became the first-ever Silent But Deadly Game Tournament Champion, earning the belt, the honor, and for the first time since he signed with Hendrick Motorsports, the love of the fans. WINNER: Johnson, 7:59, double-PIN.
BREAKING NEWS: Carl Edwards Announces Retirement to Not Pursue Role with Spade Racing
The Nascar world was rocked this morning when news got out that superstar driver Carl Edwards would not be racing this year, or possibly any year going forward, effective immediately. While Edwards will address the media at large tomorrow at 10am EST in a press conference, Edwards has already clarified ahead of time that he will NOT be pursuing other interests involving this website.
“I just wanted to clear the air before the big announcement tomorrow—its been reported that I’m going to announce that I’m leaving Nascar to ‘pursue other interests’”, Edwards said in an open statement to the media. “While that may be true—we’re still working on the exact wording—I would like to assure everyone that I will not be pursuing any interests at all with Spade Racing, a comedy Nascar website run by some weirdo out of Delaware. Just wanted to make that clear to everyone so there’s no speculation.
“There’s a lot I need to get off my chest, and I’ll tell you all about that tomorrow at the press conference”, Edwards continued in his statement. “However, just to get this out of the way first, I will in no way be contributing, writing for, or collaborating on anything involving Spade Racing, Race Shop Reviews, or any upcoming projects involving Mike Mackler, the webmaster/writer/janitor for those websites. None at all.”
The Edwards announcement has sent the Nascar world scrambling looking for any possible reason why a driver would suddenly announce their retirement in the prime of their career, be it for health reasons, family issues, or simple burnout. However, one reason can now officially be crossed off the list.
“I’d like to conclude my statement today by inviting all members of the media to Joe Gibbs Racing tomorrow to participate in the press conference”, Edwards said, “however, again, please make sure that Spade Racing is not there.”
Spade Racing’s 2016 Silent But Deadly Game Tournament SEMIFINALS
For years Nascar fans have been saying that the “Chase for the Cup” is not a valid way to determine the best driver in Nascar’s top series. How, then, can we find out who truly is “the best of the best” in stock car racing?
That’s where Spade Racing comes in.
Taking inspiration from the WWF/E’s 1998 Survivor Series “Deadly Game” tournament to crown a new champion, we at Spade Racing have assembled the 15 greatest drivers in Nascar (…and Chris Buescher) in a secret underground fighting tournament to determine who really IS the best.
And now, here it is, the Spade Racing Silent But Deadly Game Tournament!
SEMIFINALS
8. Kurt Busch vs. 5. Joey Logano
RECAP: An early “match-of-the-year” contender, Busch and Logano put on a clinic in the squared-circle, showing some of the best chain-wrestling Nascar has ever seen. Each combatant seemed to have a counter for each other’s holds, and while both competitor has had their share of bad blood with the fans over the years, the crowd slowly turned their reverence to the two as the match wore on. As the time-limit drew near, Busch landed a Monster Mash that was quickly reversed by Logano into a Pennzoil Plunge, leading to the 1-2-3, the victory, the berth in the finals, and a standing ovation from the crowd. Logano then helped Busch to his feet—only to quickly low-blow him while bellowing out “That’s for ruining The Captain’s plans! NEVER trust The Penske File!!!” WINNER: Logano, 14:34, PIN.
6. Jimmie Johnson vs. 10. Carl Edwards
RECAP: Jimmie Johnson brought his new attitude into this match, failing to flinch when Carl Edwards feigned a before-the-bell punch. Once the match DID start, however, it appeared as though each competitor had met their match, as an even see-saw battle went on, and on, and on. Despite repeated warnings from the referee, neither Johnson nor Edwards moved to apply their finishing move, and the match went “Broadway”, ending in a time-limit draw. The competitors seemed just as confused as the crowd, unsure what this would mean for the finals berth, only for authority figure Mr. McFrance to appear on the NascarTron, announcing that both men would advance to the finals, making the final match a Triple Threat for the championship. WINNER: (none), 15:00, DRAW.
