Acting swiftly following tonight's post-race "activities", the Commonwealth of Australia has drafted--and passed--a declaration of war on the dreaded Mears Gang.
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| A much more common Aussie offense |
"We cannot tolerate any of this aggression on behalf of this dreaded 'Gang'--retribution was our only option", said Australia's Prime Minister Tony Abbott in a prepared statement. "Rather than let our compatriot Marcos (Ambrose) suffer the blows of this ruffian, we will join him in a full-on military assault, commencing immediately."
Canberra officials were seen deploying numerous fighter jets, battleships, and anti-gecko missiles, although the reasons for the blow-up remain somewhat mysterious.
"If you attack one of us, you attack all of us", a member of Australia's naval forces was heard saying before leaving on his mission. "I can't tell you exactly what my mission is, but let's just say it involves me, Warren Buffett, and a large jar of vegemite."
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| "But we're a Mear(s) gang!" |
It remains unknown just how many members of the "Mears Gang" there actually are, although they are easily identified by their 1950's-style t-shirts.
"We were originally worried about taking out innocent fans who just happened to be wearing 'Mears Gang' apparel", said a spokesman for the Australian army, "but our intelligence shows that no Casey Mears merchandise has been sold since 2007, so we should be OK."
The Mears Gang has not been able to be reached for comment, although Rick and Roger Mears were seen tunneling into a bunker deep in the Southern California desert.
"I'm glad to see that my country-mates have my back", Ambrose said, "and I'll be glad to join them next week, seeing as how I'll probably be getting suspended. Apparently it's 'Boys Have At It', but when a MAN has at it, they get sidelined."