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| "Any day you can be on the receiving end of Tom Cruise's overacting is a good day" |
In Brian France's never-ending quest for mainstream appeal, the un-navigatable labyrinth that is Nascar.com is hosting a celebrity fantasy league this season. Sadly, I didn't know about this till now, so here's a belated look at the roster of celebrities who may or may not actually know who Steve Grissom is:
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| MUCH better-looking than Drew Pearson |
Alyssa Milano--The exceedingly-attractive actress is the "commissioner" of the league, which I guess means that she hosts the initial draft and goes on a power-trip once a week.
Chances She Knows About Nascar--Pretty good. Alyssa owns "Touch", a brand of women's team-branded clothing, and was seen at the Nascar Awards Banquet this past offseason. Jay Mohr made fun of her appearance after the banquet, this continuing his agreement to not be funny on-stage.
Tyler Clary--Apparently he's a pretty-famous swimmer, which means a lifetime of saying, "No, I'm not Michael Phelps".
Chances He Knows About Nascar--Decent. His Nascar.com bio lists him as a "long-time motorsports enthusiast", so he's probably been to a few races, telling people, "No, I'm Not Ian Thorpe".
Allen Covert--The poor man's Kevin James, Allen Covert is probably best-known for being a longtime friend of Adam Sandler, running their production company Mediocre Comedies With Heart Films.
Chances He Knows About Nascar--Low. Considering that kissing up to That Other-Other Guy From Remote Control is his meal-ticket, I doubt he has much time to do anything fun.
Johny Hendricks--A UFC fighter, so somebody that Fox Sports 1 will likely cram down our collective throats.
Chances He Knows About Nascar--Medium. UFC takes an insane amount of training and dedication, so much so that you can't waste time spelling your first name correctly.
Dhani Jones--A former NFL Linebacker, who played for my personal favorite team, the New York Giants (which means he was extremely overrated).
Chances He Knows About Nascar--Kinda Low. Dhani was well-known during his playing days as a very-cerebral man, and one of the few true intellectuals in sports. In other words, I'm guessing he's an IndyCar snob.
Michael Rooker--Ladies and Gentlemen: Rowdy Burns.
Chances He Knows About Nascar--Surprisingly Low. Because when you've already starred in one of the greatest movies ever made about anything, your whole life is downhill from there.
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| "Priceless" because nobody will pay for it |
Kal Penn--"Kumar" from "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle", White House PR Man, dramatic AND comedic actor…so what the hell is he doing here?
Chances He Knows About Nascar--Pretty High. On the plus side, Kal has worked with Nascar in the past (manning their Twitter feed). On the minus side, he's the only celeb here who's ever had the unfortunately experience of meeting me.
Vanilla Ice--No, seriously, Vanilla Ice.
Chances He Knows About Nascar--Below Average. Again, I'm being serious here--Vanilla Ice.
Florida/Georgia Line--The music duo put out the irritating crossover hit "Cruise" last year, thus overcoming country music's inherent prejudice against white guys from the south.
Chances They Knows About Nascar--Good. Although anytime you have two guys running the same fantasy team, it usually ends with a gun fight (I've been in some pretty intense leagues in my day).
Drew Ryniewicz--She appeared on "X-Factor" in season one. Well, that's what the bio says, I'll just have to take their word for it.
Chances She Knows About Nascar--Low. Although it would be great if she did know her way around the sport, if only to see how Jayski misspells her name once she wins.