Mere minutes after her 8th-place finish in the 55th Daytona 500, Danica Patrick shocked the racing world by announcing her retirement from Nascar racing.
"You know, when I came to Nascar, all I wanted to do was contend for a win, show that I belong, and I felt that I've done that today. So it is with a heavy heart that I am officially retiring from Nascar competition, effective immediately", she said to the throng of media members.
"I figured it would take me months, maybe years to live up to my potential here in the GoDaddy Chevy", Patrick continued, "but we reached our goals so early on that I don't see anything else left to do."
Stewart-Haas Racing executives were said to be scrambling to find a driver to run the 10 car in next week's race at Phoenix.
"We gotta see if we can find someone who can fit in that tiny seat", Stewart-Haas co-owner Tony Stewart said in between milkshakes. "Not only that, but we have to find someone who can be in GoDaddy commercials, tolerate loud kissing noises, and laugh awkwardly while piloting a fake airplane."
Danica was evasive when asked about her future plans outside of racing.
"Well, when I accomplished all my goals in IndyCar by winning a race and tolerating Michael Andretti for five years, I knew that Nascar was where I wanted to be.", Patrick added. "I might just go into Formula One--its always been my goal to be the third-fastest car in last practice. Or I could go into broadcasting like Carl Edwards--although I haven't wrecked nearly enough cars to do so yet."
When asked about the announcement, Patrick's boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse Jr. said, "Maybe now instead of being known as Danica's Boyfriend I'll go back to being known as The Guy Who's Not Matt Kenseth."