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The Nine Types of Nascar Writers (or, my Tribute to Matt Groening's Life in Hell)


Note--due to illness, I missed the race today.  So here's something a little less time-sensitive.

The Citizen Reporter
Been Writing Since: His fiancee's publisher-father read his blog.
Trademarks: Relentlessly positive, in awe of everyone, jokes constantly about being fired.
Secret Dream: To have another writer acknowledge him.
Secret Fear: Fired and forced to go back to job at Verizon.

The Grizzled Old-Timer
Been Writing Since: He gave Tiny Lund a ride home from the train station.
Trademarks: Cool stories, constant name-dropping, lots of alcohol-fueled anecdotes.
Secret Dream: Being named curator of the Nascar Hall of Fame.
Secret Fear: The newspaper closed down years ago and this is all a fever dream.

The Being From Another Sport
Been Writing Since: The Atlanta Thrashers moved.
Trademarks: Metaphors, labored explanations, seething contempt.
Secret Dream: Becoming the beat writer for the Carolina Panthers.
Secret Fear: Forced to miss Super Bowl to cover 24 Hours of Daytona.

The Bitter Old-Timer
Been Writing Since: That jackass Bobby Allison won that damn race at 'Dega.
Trademarks: Angry at everything, loathes change, despises Jeff Gordon.
Secret Dream: For the firm but loving hand of death to take him soon.
Secret Fear: Being called "Nascar's Phil Mushnick".

The 24/7 Lunatic
Been Writing Since: Wally Dallenbach Jr. brought Hayes Modems to the sport.
Trademarks: Excruciating detail, breaks stories no one cares about, thorough reporting in late-December.
Secret Dream: Scooping the "big shots" on the Jeff Gordon-to-NEMCO deal.
Secret Fear: Still a virgin at age 58.

The Fake Insider
Been Writing Since: The guy who works at the front desk of Joe Gibbs Racing told him that Bobby Labonte was an alien.
Trademarks: Frequently quoting "unnamed sources", bizarre rumors, anonymous tips.
Secret Dream: Being invited to the big EGR Family Fun Day.
Secret Fear: Being scooped on the Jeff Gordon-to-NEMCO deal.

The PR Hack
Been Writing Since: The rich, smooth flavor of Winston was sponsoring this great sport.
Trademarks: Adverbs and adjectives galore, pithy biographies, all stories look the same.
Secret Dream: Speechwriter for Michael Waltrip.
Secret Fear: Sold soul for way under cost.

The Internet Blogger
Been Writing Since: DSL came along/couldn't find friends into Nascar.
Trademarks: Typos, typos, typos.
Secret Dream: Getting chat question answered by Jeff Hammond.
Secret Fear: Never receiving a single cent for voluminous rants.

The Mike Mackler
Been Writing Since: His parents told him he should write.
Trademarks: Suspiciously short articles, low self-esteem, pointless lists.
Secret Dream: Getting paid to be a smart-ass.
Secret Fear: Getting paid to be a smart-ass.