While Jimmie Johnson won tonight's Sprint All-Star Race, arguably the happiest man in the garage was Nascar Chairman/Miranda Cosgrove fan Brian France, who said that the race played out exactly as he wanted it to.
"This was great, just great!", an ecstatic France told reporters. "I mean, you had it all--Junior winning, followed by a personality-less driver winning the first segment. Then, there were plenty of artificial stoppages in the race, just like we like 'em!"
France then continued, "…and what made it even better was that, after 80 laps of hard racing, everybody was ready for a fight-to-the-finish. But instead, we got what everybody REALLY wanted--a driver who sandbagged for three segments driving away with the win! And it was even somebody who had already won an All-Star Race before!"
France, who at this point was chasing down reporters as they wandered away from the media center, added, "…come on, guys, how great is it to see a guy who wins all the time giving a congratulatory ride to his shady car-dealer owner? A millionaire helping out another millionaire guys, that's the best way for our sport to relate to our fans!"
France, at this point talking to himself, said that he hoped that the Coca-Cola 600 would feature a driver either lapping the field or zero caution laps, but he'd sell his Ke$ha concert tickets if he could get both.